ENN -Erika News Network

Central Vietnam Highs and Lows

2009-09-12T17:24:00.003+02:00

If Cambodians treated us with graciousness, for the most part, the Vietnamese see us as an economic opportunity. Which, lets be honest, we are. But their tactics, at times, are questionable:

Grabbing onto your arm to pull you into their shop
Complaining that no one else has bought their goods
Surrounding you with a group of friends, who pressure you to make a purchase
Pushing their goods in your face

What are they selling? Sandalwood fans, bananas, water bottles, rides on their motorcycle, in their taxi, in their cyclo (bike attached to one person carriage), shoes, clay flutes in the shape of turtles, tailored clothing, marble statues, sugared donuts on sticks, silk scarves, fake name brand t-shirts, leather wallets . . . the real question is what arent they selling? Mainly, the food they eat, under tarps and in doorways, sitting on plastic furniture made for children. Only the tourists eat in restaurants.

Also, though many seem aggressive when it comes to attempting a sale, some are not. Those are the ones we are drawn to (surprise, surprise).

Danang
Our entry point to Vietnam was the fourth largest city. Though we found our way through the dark and rain to an unmarked vegetarian restaurant that was more like a stark living room, and mimed our way through the menu-less affair, I would have skipped this town if I had known what I was in for. The hard facts are that its not easy to make a modern town beautiful. Really, with absolutely no restrictions in place, it seems most cities head straight toward ugly. Case in point.

Hue
The train three hours north to Hue made me wonder whether we were in a period piece. Or in Russia. It was slightly nicer than Danang--hard to go down from there. At the end of a long, hot, humid day strolling through temples and pagodas, everything seemed to blend together. Our research yielded an apparent love of emperors for man-made ponds.

Hoi An
This was the jewel of the visit. Luckily we spent three days there, in an Chinese style guest house built in the early 1800s, made of black stained wood and mother of pearl furniture. Every year, it floods between 5-8 feet in height and they have to call on their relatives to help them move all the furniture upstairs as fast as they can.

The women at the guest house knew plenty of English and were happy to sit with us and explain various parts of Vietnamese life. For instance, everyone rises at 4 or 4:30 am. And by 5, they are walking around, shouting out their wares in the markets.

Cambodian Graciousness

2009-09-08T15:38:00.003+02:00

Cambodian was an in-and-out affair. I already miss the deep red dirt, lush palms, and grey water buffalos' heads peaking out of rain-filled pools along the roadside. Everyone we met smiled, bowed, and said, "Thank you for choosing us, please come back, please remember us." Okay, not everyone. But close.

Hawkers overpower Angkor Wat

We began the day in a tuk tuk, with a friend from the US I had met at the UN, to tour close to ten temples of Angkor Wat, the largest temple on Earth. At the first temple, we learned the system:

Descend from tuk tuk
Take quick breath
Watch the children take notice
Watch the children run

That would be toward, not away from you. They shove postcards into your hands, bracelets onto your wrists. Here are some dialogue you can count on:

"Where you from?"

"United States"

"Capital Washinton D.C. President Obama."

Fair enough--I don't know the name of their king. It was sweet and sad to hear a throng of ostensibly street kids, hungry for the thousands of tourists that most likely didn't come this summer, repeating the name of the newly beloved president. (Beloved outside the US anyway.)

After ten to twenty "no's", they'd get right to the point:

"What you want?"

"Nothing."

"Okay. Two dolla for nothing."

This was a better deal than my friend got--a whopping ten dollars for nothing. (Cambodia informally uses US dollars.)

Sweetest Hotel on Earth

The hotel couldn't have been sweeter. They picked us up from the airport, greeted us with iced limeade, drew a bath in our room and filled it (and our bed) with lotus blossoms, and offerred us a Khmer massage--a lot like the Thai, knee-in-back affair. All of that was for free. Hot water was something they couldn't offer, but apparently that's Cambodia-wide.

Murderous Silk

During a visit to a Silk Farm, I was amazed and horrifed to learn that silk, which is manufactured in Cambodia, depends on the murder of millions of little worms. Apparently the cocoons, built from their own saliva, are thrown into boiling water and the thread of the cocoon is unwound. After that, millions of complicated processes that proceeded to boggle my mind (and still do) turn those cocoons into the gorgeous silks we find on clearance for 29.99.

Best part? Putting my ear down to the mulberry leaf feeding area and listening to the "roar" of thousands of worms munching away. Strength in numbers, y'all!

Singapore Food Issue

2009-09-06T16:47:00.002+02:00

When people say Singapore is one big shopping mall, they aren't employing a metaphor. Singapore really is a series of linking shopping malls, which might sound horrific to the non shopper, but here is the catch: within them, they hold the keys to the best food in the universe. Where? In the Food Courts, of course.

I spent Saturday stuffing my face in a fashion Thanksgiving dinner has never managed to bring about. Here are the (incomplete) results:

From the "best food I've ever eaten in my life," list:

Butter Roti Prata. This comes from the Indian influence in Singapore. Think paratha or crepe, then try not to think about the massive amounts of butter being dumped on it as it fries on the griddle. Just tear it into pieces and eat up. (Often served with a side of dahl.)
Fried Been Hoon. Might double a Singapore Noodles. Fried vermicelli noodles with strips of fried egg and tofu. Traditional breakfast dish.
Rojak. Pineapple, cucumber, and some fried to hell and back tofu-like substance covered in a sweet, sticky satay sauce and sesame seeds.
Taiwan tofu wrap. Tofu "skin" fried, bunched, thrown into a cup, doused in a mysterious sauce, and stuck with toothpicks for easy consumption.
Tutu. They made this in the supermarket, but that doesn't mean I know what it was. Either shredded coconut or crushed peanuts inside a white gooey substance we were told was flour. (Not flour.)
Grand finale: savory carrot cake. Put everything you know about carrot cake out of your mind. Then mix carrots with a mysterious substance to make a custard. Then steam the custard. Then cube it. Then fry it with noodles and veg and tofu in a red sauce and devour it as fast as you can.

List of dishes for which I scorned my adventurous spirit:

Fresh soy milk. How much could this possibly diverge from EdenSoy, eh? Plenty, because EdenSoy manages to convince you that you are not drinking liquid, sugary soy beans.
Moon cake. Particularly the one with hard boiled egg yolk. Thick, sweet lotus paste tasted less enlightening than expected.
Half boiled eggs. It's literal; sort of cooked, but sort of not, AKA not totally raw egg soup (only ingredient: eggs). Challenging texture and not much flava flave.
Jelly. No, not what you're thinking. Transparent chunks of sweet, flavorless jelly in a bowl of crushed ice and canned mango and pineapple.

Somewhere in between:

Jumbu fruit. Shaped like a pear. Red like Rhubard. Crunchy like apple. Stringy like celery. Not sour. Not sweet. Not juicy. (But what is it?)
Kopi, traditional Singapore coffee. Sweetened with condensed milk and stronger than two shots of espresso. This will get you moving!
Kaya toast. Sweetened coconut paste with slab o' butter on regular old toast. Sort of like the coconut version of nutella. Usually eaten with Kopi (see above).
Mee Siam. Rice vermicelli in spicy, bean-like sauce with fried tofu and half a boiled egg. Somewhere between noodle dish and a soup.

Goolgle-Translating Norway's News Answer to Boredom

2009-08-08T18:51:00.003+02:00

While doing some "investigative" work on the Norwegian press, E finally took the plunge and hit that "Translate this Page" link on Google's search engine. Now she's wondering why the hell she hadn't done it earlier. Some good finds:

"improved happy the next time"
"two time glued penis to incredible man"
"gas stations disappear"
"large, small, and insanely"
"hamster life"
"new dog bites most"
"approximate sock away"
"do not agree, nevertheless"
"Thursday ran from the place, after having thrown the bottles."
"traffic flows best when 40% violate rules"

The Sad Truth of Ignorant E: Countries of which E was Unaware

Niger is NOT Nigeria. E thought the French-pronounced nee-sheer was what people said when they wanted to sound sophisticated. With the help of Wikipedia, now E knows they are sophisticated.
Dominica is NOT the Dominican Republic. This, despite the indelible image of a decapitated cat strewn across the roads of the DR's capital when E visited years ago.
Mauritius is NOT the German pronunciation for Mauritania. No, two different countries. And Mauritania is gigantic.
Congo is one place, the Democratic Republic of the Congo is another.

Etymologized Word of the Blog Post: Languish

I couldn't really think of what word to do, and even though the spelling of languish doesn't immediately yell FRENCH to me, the idea of it does. Don't you think the French were just, like, languishing throughout all time?

I was right. (Surprise!) c.1300, from languiss-, pp. stem of O.Fr. languir "be listless," from V.L. *languire, from L. languere "be weak or faint"

Sultan of Oman Knows How to Party

2009-08-02T16:21:00.005+02:00

In anticipation of the upcoming firework show at the Fête de Geneve, hosted by the Sultan of Oman, last night, for Swiss national day, we got a twenty minute preview: liquid gold showering down, streamers bursting into falling stars, a sky bursting with red and white.

White Currants Discovered Despite Ignorance of Name

E and J bought, shared and consumed a small box of white currants yesterday despite not knowing their name, proving that this too can be done.
How is they? Bitter, but only slightly, and so small and poppable, thereby overcoming the sour taste.
Where is they? Au marché, of course. Their growing season might be a quick one: E noticed them everywhere last week, but this week they could be found in the Italian stall only.

Etymologized Word of the Blog Post: Surface

I know, what a boring word. But as we drove over to the horrible Champion grocery store (reeks of fish, employees might be unhappiest/angriest in supermarket world), and, as usual, chose the "surface" parking, I said, "Sur-Face--because it's over the face, i.e. the flat parking lot!" Score one for E.

1611, from Fr. surface "outermost boundary of anything, outside part" (16c.), from O.Fr. sur- "above" + face. Patterned on L. superficies "surface". The verb meaning "come to the surface" is first recorded 1898; earlier it meant "bring to the surface" (1885), and "to give something a polished surface" (1778). From Etymonline.com

Santigold Steals the Show

2009-07-28T17:38:00.005+02:00

Who is cooler--Santigold herself, or her dancers (or the costumes)? On Saturday, as E shook it to her rad tunes, that was the question, one you'll not be totally able to answer from watching this video of L.E.S. Artistes. A few rows back, Santigold didn't invite E on stage, keeping her ghettofabulous moves secret and safe, Frodo style.

It was up to Tracy Chapman to make E cry for the entire song, "Baby Can I Hold You"--okay, let's be honest: sob. And Cold War Kids kept E and J awake until 2 a.m., despite a few slows. (Note to rock musicians: no slow songs after 1am, s.v.p.)

Snackin at Paleo

E scarfed down some much needed quesadillas with pitch perfect guacamole, though the spanish rice was BNB (bad news bears), possibly because it's not even good in Mexico
Kürtöskalárs, the Transylvanian tube pastry, of which Google images do not yet exist, found its merry way into E and J's mouth, which gobbled it down to a nub

Etymologized Word of the Blog Post: Benign

E thought there was no way we'd ignore "g"s like the one in begign unless it were French. E was right! Etymology c.1320, from O.Fr. benigne, from L. benignus "good, kind," lit. "well born," from bene "well" + gignere "to bear, beget," from genus "birth." So that benign tumor of yours is just a great birth of cells.

Concert Reveals Moby's Potential Nerd Factor

2009-07-24T14:06:00.006+02:00

You know the man. Everyone knows the man. He plays every instrument. He's written hundreds of catchy tunes since forever +2. On MTV, he rocks out with Gwen Stefani. His name is Moby. He is undeniably cool, right?

Wrong. Possibly. Late night research at his concert last night (Paleo) suggests the bald-headed belongs to a different clique. The evidence? How he ran around stage like a child afflicted with ADD. His obsession with bongos despite their absence in the songs, a behavioral cousin of air guitar.

The cool bits: The songs were mainly good, his gospel singer was amazing, and he knows some French. Conclusion: Undecided, but questioning.

Other Paleo Goodies:

Rodrigo y Gabriela: most talented guitar players I've ever seen. I cried, I danced, I clapped, I woo-hooed. (I could not stop woo-hooing.) Watch them on YouTube.
That Greek stand, La Grèce? Avoid their Loukoumades (fried dough dipped in honey). Chewiness factor suggested multiple frys, and taste seemed to capture that of a refrigerator's interior.

B Visa Spectacular:

A fourth trip to the Swiss gov't offices afforded us the beloved B visa, as opposed to the crap L visa they'd planned to give us in a last minute switcharoo. Background: B is jump up and down worthy and L is more shit-eating grin.

Etymologized Word of the Blog Post: Marinate (on this)

After suggesting we marinate cherry tomatoes in balsamic vinegar prior to making our next basil and tomato omelet, J suggested marinate was French. La mer is the sea. Sea men are mariners. And most of us are aware of the word marine.
The proof: c.1645, from Fr. mariner "to pickle in (sea) brine," from O.Fr. marin (adj.) "of the sea," from L. marinus. Source: www.etymonline.com

ENN is Resurrected

2009-07-22T14:26:00.004+02:00

Playa Hatas, Doubters, and Nonbelievers*, consider ENN resurrected. Just like Jesus (except with greater proof and ability to offend).

In the face of sweeping changes--jobs, countries, and even lives are at stake--ENN has answered her call to duty. She has risen, and she will stand tall. And proud. And laugh long. And loud. Like this: tee hee hee.

*Disclaimer: E was first among the Nonbelievers subgroup.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

E and J will commence border hopping sometime before the end of the year, from Francey to Schweitzer Land.
E will work! For a month! Then look for more work . . .
There is a gigantic hole outside of the swimming pool, which is not yet on vacation. (Yes, from time to time, the swimming pool takes a holiday.)

How the French taught us our own language AKA Etymology Time

Mortgage: know that word, America? The non-pronunciation of the "T" got me thinking--this gotta be French . . . and waddya know? ( That and the "age" at the end--clear indications of Frenchiness.)
1390, from O.Fr. morgage (13c.), mort gaige, lit. "dead pledge" (replaced in modern Fr. by hypothèque), from mort "dead" + gage "pledge;" so called because the deal dies either when the debt is paid or when payment fails. O.Fr. mort is from V.L. *mortus "dead," from L. mortuus, pp. of mori "to die." Source: Etymology Dictionary website.

First French Speed Trap

2008-10-13T21:57:00.006+02:00

On his way home from work, J walked into ENN's first sighting of a French speed trap, using only the most high tech methods from the '80s. An efficient team of three in their Police Municipale blue track suits, one looked through what J calls a "binocular thing," apparently their radar technology. Another, armed with a quiet metal whistel, and the third, armed with . . . his arms. J had the unique opportunity to watch it in action:

Binocular man: "Le rouge, soixante six" (The red, sixty six)
Whistle man: "Whistle!" (Quiet tweet tweet as red car approaches roundabout)
Arm guy: "Eye contact!" (Circular motion with finger to signal going around round about, then a come hither and pullover point)

J left before the ticket writing technology was in full force, but tells ENN he "can only imagine it was awesome." What we know is awesome is their website:

Turn on your speakers
Turn your attention to the japanimation police rocking out at the top

Other Stories: The Great Drivers License Exchange Oddesy, Phase 2 or 3 (?)

After excitedly collecting, photocopying, collating, and paper clip-ing a pile of paper, complete with angry photos, E and J were blocked in their attempt to give them to the young woman sitting at the Marie "welcome" desk. Instead of a handy hand-off a kilometer from their apartment, E and J must send their pile o' documents to some place that sounds like Buuuurg. E tried calling said office this afternoon but was again rejected with the obvious response:

"We only answer those kinds of questions in the morning."

Overheard on the F Bus

2008-10-09T12:57:00.004+02:00

An older Latino couple sat behind me on the F bus and I had the pleasure of overhearing them. After ten minutes of responding to everything she heard with a nasal, "Que bueno!" the woman focused on just how clean Geneva is, most likely in comparison to her hometown, Miami:

"Look! Its so clean" says the woman
"Very clean" says the man
"Everything is clean"
"Everything is clean"
"There isn't even a single piece of paper on the ground"
"No paper"
"It's clean"
"Yes, yes, yes, it's very very clean."
"Not a single piece of paper"
"It sure is clean"
"All they do here is clean"
"So clean"
"Que bueno!"

ENN Exclusive Tell All Interview with Reclusive E

2008-09-22T22:20:00.003+02:00

Beating People and Hello! to the punch, ENN has the exclusive rights to an interview with its creator, producer, and only staff member, E, whose reclusive ways have everyone wondering. Well, wonder no more because ENN has the story:

ENN: E, tell our readers a little bit about why you've been sabotaging this very important news source.

E: We agreed you wouldn't ask that question.

ENN: You know those agreements are just little flimsy pieces of paper.

E: Well, seeing that I'm in France, I intend to follow Sarkozy's footsteps and walk out of this one.

ENN: Non, non, non, don't be crazy. And anyway, you're far less important. So, what's the story behind the story, E?

E: Okay, I'll tell you. The truth is that ENN is just a cover for my Colombian drug smuggling rings, of which I can divulge very little as long as this war on drugs rages on--

ENN: --E, let me stop you there. We checked out that story and . . . its bullshit. Just like all the other stories you were telling us for months. Traveling the world, flying into outer space, deep sea diving under Antarctica. The truth is, you were here all this time, sitting at the computer but doing other things. Honestly, E, how could you?

E: Well, you want it, I'll give it to you. The less I did ENN, the worse I felt about it, and the worse I felt about it, the less I wanted to do it. All I could think of were those great moments we had missed and I couldn't focus on the now. There was no zen about it. We missed out on Dr. Chicken, the blackhole creator being turned on under our feet, windows getting smashed in and French police reports being made in the Gendarmerie's apartment building, experimenting with all sorts of unidentifiable French vegetables and so on. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry to the readers who might have been grieving this for months now. I've let you down.

ENN: So, what do we have to look forward to?

E: More ENN, after I get out of treatment of course.

ENN: You mean being in Stockholm and London for the next two weeks.

E: Yeah, you could put it that way.

Well, you heard it here first, folks. In two weeks, it's go time. Until then!

Tektonik Special Edition

2008-08-25T21:05:00.003+02:00

Eight years ago, on the dance floor of Metropolis, a hit night club in Paris, several dancers wowed the crowd with their gumby-like moves in a choreographed dance called the Tektonik, which has been spreading across Europe ever since. Consider it the hip hop/techno version of the Macarena, but make it stranger and cooler and to more diverse music. In fact, throw away the Macarena altogether, as you should have done the moment you discovered it instead of dancing it on the tables of her high school classroom like E fatefully did one poorly chose afternoon.

**Must see utube video of dude dancing in basement**

Tektonik: Dress for Success

Sagging skinny jeans, apparently not a contradiction in terms
High top pumps pumped to the beat as seen here
Eighties fau-hawk with plenty of gel to keep it in place

ENN Follows Bakery's Lead, Goes on Holiday

2008-08-22T08:43:00.008+02:00

Like most restaurants and bakeries in the country of France, ENN has decided to make this a non-working holiday, except for the odd day when languor is overcome with a burst of energy. The main street of Ferney is all but closed down, E and J's favorite crêperie in Paris took the weekend off, and the bakery next door to their hotel said Au revoir. If France is serious about one thing, its vacation, and apparently that's rubbing off on its Number One News Blog (N.O.N.B), ENN.

The Paris Edition

Fast train not fast enough, probably not even topping 200 mph
Empty metropolis brings to mind scenes from Open Your Eyes/Abre Los Ojos and 28 Days Later (before the zombies attack)
Sewer tour reveals not a one Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (nor Hero Turtles as they're known in the UK)
Louvre Egypt section more intriguing, impressive than manic crowd surrounding our famous friend, Mona Lisa, or "My Lady Lisa," whose real title is actually La Gioconda. [Side note: ENN continues to be baffled by each language's insistence on changing the names of just about everything.]
"Genevan" French understood by Paris natives
Method for getting others to move: nudge or punch in the upper back (even old ladies know this!)

Buff This History (source: Paris Walks)

Ben Franklin, first ambassador to France, was recognizable from miles away due to coon hat
Jefferson, second ambassador, was a manic speed walker, who insisted on strolling not in but alongside his carriage, even after a wild night on the town

CERN Cools Up LHC: Blackhole Ahead?

2008-08-14T21:43:00.003+02:00

Last Friday, CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, successfully turned on the Large Hadron Collider, the largest machine on Earth, which is slightly more complicated than flipping a switch. For months beforehand, all 27 km of the LHC had to be cooled within degrees of absolute zero; if that number in Celsius weren't ridiculous enough (-271 C), it's -455 in Fahrenheit, for those of us still using the Old Ass English System, i.e. the US, Liberia, and Burma. Seeing that the particle accelerator in question runs underneath E and J's quaint French village, it could theoretically develop a black hole and gobble them up, along their beloved blog.

Latest Headlines

City of lovers to be site of E and J's second anniversary showdown cette weekend
E Health Update: Inexplicably prescribed blood test yields inexplicable results
E saves the day at the Piscine Municipale and gets staff to add a lane, albeit with a scowl
Addiction to The Wire mirrors addiction to crack, upon which the series is based
Local tour of Catholic church reveals purpose in building it: to piss off Voltaire

Fireworks Out the Wazoo

2008-08-11T20:22:00.003+02:00

And the Wazoo is large. That means Geneve filled the sky, every square inch of it, even the one in your backyards except you must have slept through it, like you do, for over and hour. Set to Chinese techno, the Blue Danube Waltz, and Zorba the Greek from the Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels soundtrack, accompanied by oohs, awwes, and a few yelps, the endless finale was inexplicably sponsored by Moscow and Canada. When the end finally did come, a sense of relief descended on crowd, most notably the water fowl.

Latest Headlines

David Lynch comes to Ferney: Suspiciously suited man, complete with wrinkled face, blank stare and bright red tie, sets up shop between rusted dishwasher, general yard trash and silent street people.
Large uddered cow, already slowest in the herd, setback further with gimpy (UK: gammy) back leg
J's Economist addiction rises to new highs; finishes latest issue in three days, his PB
E gets blood drawn in French after sitting on bright pink plastic amorphous "couch"
After meeting him three months ago, Mr. X becomes Chen-Hao when E and J finally learn how to pronounce his name, thereby diminishing all likelihood of his superhero future
E and J are leaving it there

E and J Go to Paleo

2008-08-07T19:41:00.005+02:00

After much cajoling and "buzz," E and J got last minute (legal) tickets to the last evening of the last day of the Paleo festival in nearby Nyon to see R.E.M., an ADD French rock band and a hot Israeli-French-speaks-English-perfectly lady named Yael Naim (of MacBook Air ad fame). Not only were they actually able to get tickets (Miracle #1), but they were also able to find their friends there (Miracle #2), and even had friends in the first place to find (Miracle #3). The only significant non-miracle were the Raclette Nazis who apparently saw the corner of their stand as no-service land, though only when E and J were standing in it.

Latest Headlines

Both lanes in sheik-sponsored Ferney/Geneva tunnel ready for action after 7 months of orange cones; all that changed were the cones
E and J discover crooked faced bear, mascot of Berne, funny-German speaking town north of Geneva; capital of Switzlerand if Switzerland had a capital, which it doesn't.
Actually good, authentic Mexican food discovered at the Fete de Geneve at mysteriously named Los Tacos cart
Seven figure donation said to make firework show this Saturday night "best ever"
E and J plan their September romp in Stockholm

What goes here?

Nothing
Questions about life & literature: What's the opposite of a miracle?
Links to cool twitter meshups: http://www.neoformix.com/Projects/TwitterStreamGraphs/view.php?q=coffee

School's Out For Summer: Uni Highlights Issue

2008-08-04T20:01:00.006+02:00

Every end is a beginning, every beginning an end; and so it is that ENN essentially went on holiday for the last six weeks while E herself was very much not on holiday but slogging away 10 hour days at Uni and toiling for hours in the evenings. ENN, not being in French, nor being due the following day, was not among her priorities, dear readers, though you were always in her heart, if not in her mind. Actually, unless your name is Françoise, you were definitely not in her mind. But never mind that: you can catch up on all the tasty tidbits in this here edition of the one, the only, the resurrected ENN.

The Highlights

Pointing to my neck and calling it an ass (that's cou versus cul, and no, you don't pronounce that "l" so its not easy as you think)
First-ever sighting of grammar-corrected graffiti in bathroom stall (see photo right)
Moving up a whole level from the first section to the second in what my China-obsessed professor called "an acrobatic leap."
Actually being able to speak French (vraiment!)
Meeting close to a hundred people from Japan, Brazil, Columbia, Portugal, Sudan, German-speaking Swizterland, Italy, Mexico, Costa Rica, Egypt, the U.S., the UK, Canada, Spain, Russia, Argentina, Turkey, Lebanon, Germany, Ireland, China, and the Philippines
Learning the Way of the Pique-Nique (see photo below)
Taking not one but two boat rides across Lake Geneva with my (momentary) homies (see photo)

The Downlights (sounds better than lowlights)

Lack of braking know-how on the ever-hated F bus, sole transporter of Ferneysiens (i.e. me) to and from Geneva
Second term professor obsessed with Chinese politics, not so much with French grammar
Arrive to hidden indy enclave of newly favorited Genevan band for last chord of last concert due to group's imminent break up
Cleavage popping attired Russians make for distracting lectures
Cost of new friends: €25 ($40) per month in international texts (from French phone to Swiss)
Not writing. Or blogging. Which is kind of like writing.
Post-nap window drool marks on bus ride home, momentarily transforming E into a sucker fish

Dairy Quota Met in Gruyéres

2008-07-14T20:13:00.005+02:00

Between fondue, creamy soup de chalet and a small bucket of cream as thick as old paint but much, much tastier, E, J and their new sidekick A filled up on homemade treats straight from the cow's teat in Gruyéres (pronounced grrruh-Yahr) yesterday, the cutest little medieval walled village you ever did see. Despite its one resident pervert, H.R. Giger of Alien 1-2-3 fame, the rest of the two street town is rather wholesome and is guarded by a fictional crane, upon which its name is based, frustrating tourists like J who'd prefer the honored cow as its logo.

Latest Headlines

Bastille day passes by unnoticed, much like it did originally
E disappointed to find out that Swiss concerts start on time, end early . . . must be all those damn watches
E and J rapidly consume season 1 & 2 of The Wire
J manages to read three Economists cover to cover in succession--what ever will he think of next?

What Did We Learn At School Today (or I Think She Said . . . )

Medieval Geneva collateral standard: 30 girls from noble families
Animal noises in French:

Rooster: cocorico (kokoreeko)
Duck: coin coin (kwan kwan)
Chicken: co co codec
Pig: groin goin (grwan grwan)

Ethnic slurs (in French!)

Amerioque or Ricain for us Americans
Yo-Yo for the ex-Yugoslav bunch
Macaroni for the Italians
Rosbif for the English, meaning Roast Beef

That Survey From Forever Ago: Wilson Had His Reasons

According to our clever survey respondents--all three of them, so lets make that brilliant--Wilson chose Woodrow over his actual first name, Thomas, not because Thomas is such a boring name, but because he rowed boats, loved Geneva, and wanted to be nicknamed Dubya Dubya just like Dubya Dubya I, AKA World War I, AKA The War to End All Wars that didn't.

Special Photo Edition

2008-07-08T13:25:00.008+02:00

Amazing French snack food

The Smurfs in French = Les Schtroumpfs!

Visual proof of French postal bikes with training wheels

Montreux Jazz festival

E. & J. back stage at The Dandy Warhols show

Ain't No Party Like the Ferney Party

2008-06-30T19:55:00.003+02:00

Especially since Ferney's annual village hee-haw, which went down last Saturday night, ain't no party at all, but more of a gathering of bodies. E and J were proud to present this spectacle to their new found friends who came into town special-like for the event that lacked many event qualities such as: audible music, interesting acts, dances invented during the last two centuries. Instead, villagers wore wooden clogs, danced in circles, and slurped the town soup from a ceramic bowl.

Latest Headlines

Sunburn strikes at a small grassy beach on Lake Geneva, randomly choosing body parts, such as ankles and knees, at will
E and J's Asian friend quota almost met (ahem . . . satire)
Missed last ever concert at artist's squat of newly favorite Geneva band by five minutes
Brand new 90 CHF (USD) blender's off switch non-functioning, perhaps due to a mistranslation
Orange towels peachify whites; bleach plays role of toxic savior

Six Week Series: What Did We Learn at School Today?

That Claude Francois, French singing hero, wears OJ Simpson gloves and dances like Gumby. See evidence on Utube.
Literal translation of musical chairs: crazy
Synonyms for never en francais:

To send someone to Saint Glinglin
When a week has four Thursdays
When chicken grow teeth

Music Fest Breathes Life into Geneva

2008-06-23T22:38:00.004+02:00

Restaurants serving till 1 am, old town chock full of happy drunks, cheer in the air; everything you'd want in a town (except a parking space). All it takes in otherwise quiet Geneva is a musician every twenty feet--Fete de la musique (music partae), which raged on all weekend was just that.

Latest Headlines

E back to school, sans lunch box, for six (or more!) hours of Swiss Frenchy french
Hot enough at grassy beach to brave icy Lake Geneva (only via cannonball method)
E and J celebrate supposed Swedish holiday with lack of food on cold, windy hill (with a beautiful view); probably a lot like Sweden
Fete de la musique patron wears ultra cool hat

Six Week Series: What Did We Learn at School Today?

Disclaimer: The journalist reporting does not fully understand the French language, in which these juicy details are being revealed. Likewise, its possible that the professors might lack an understanding of Woodrow Wilson, who was actually named Thomas, and a Presbyterian

Before Calvinist Woodrow Wilson fell in love with Geneva, it only had one international phone line
Geneva had first botanic garden, differing from the regular variety in that it consists of plants stolen the world over (and then numbered)

Docs Lost Wigs Due to Rageaholic Grievers

ENN's trusted survey respondents--all four of them--overwhelmingly concluded that relatives armed with pitchforks and torches shredded and set fire to doctor's wigs, leading to their demise (of the wigs, that is). Its likely that one or more wigs were sewn into patient's bodies and might have received blood stains as a result. J interjects that global warming might have played a role. "It did for everything else. Hell! It might have killed the dino's, which is ironic since the burning of their dead bodies is causing it for a second go round."

E Scouts Location for Monday's Class

2008-06-19T22:01:00.000+02:00

Using her unparalleled detective skills such as Google Maps, E traveled into Geneva on public transport, slipping quietly from bus to tram at the United Nations stop, and sneaking around the Plainpalais diamond until creeping furtively into the University de Genéve's main lobby, where she was promptly questioned by a security guard. In French.

"What are you looking for?"
"Umm. Umm. (Is um French?) The courses of the summer."
Funny look. "You are looking for a person?"
"No. I don't know anyone."
"I think you are looking for a person."
"Ok."
"Go over there," he points to the reception, "where you can get some informations."
"Thank you so much"

Reception:
"Good day."
"Good day."
"I want to--no I'm going to. Well I want to and I'm going to--"
"Just tell me in English"
"Take classes for French. Here. On Monday."
"Good idea."

Latest Headlines

Jon returns from London, crisps and cheddar in hand
E has social night out en francias
Sun and blue sky here to stay

Questionable Swiss Practices

Fellow passenger on bus says "oui" thirty times a minute, adding up to a grand total of 300 oui's in a row

Vive la Suisse!

E delights at first delicious brownies ever tasted from a box. Hooray Midor!

Hidden English Enclave Discovered

2008-06-18T22:13:00.004+02:00

On assignment for ENN, E wandered through Ferney aimlessly this evening, contemplating the wild shrubbery, the life expectancy of boys on dirt bikes, and the general lack of sidewalks, when suddenly she ended up on a street she didn't even know existed: Chemin de la Brunette. Though there were no brunettes in sight (E's black and pink 'do now disqualifies her), sandwiched between a strip mall and a car wash stood a two story building from which many English speaking adults dispersed. First there was the woman who winced when E said "Bonsoir" then the strange look from the jolly man after a "Merci." At that point, E radioed back to ENN headquarters, "I think I've found Atlantis!" More soon as the story develops.

Latest Headlines

J flies to London for dinner, compliments of worky-poo
E watches first yoga DVD in months, determines difference between good v. bad pain
E goes through mini withdrawal during first night without The Wire
Miscalculation leads to gigantic cubes of tofu in stir fry; E swallows mistake

Questionable Ferney-sian Practices

Aforementioned lack of sidewalks; "pedestrian" Europe not all its cracked up to be

Vive le Londres!

How many places can you find a giant sized Astroturf chair? Just one, say J and E

Hunt for a Lindsay turns up a Monique

2008-06-17T21:02:00.003+02:00

In a desperate search for a possible new friend named Lindsay (who E met six months ago and promptly forgot) E excitedly ran into the designated parking lot where Linsday said she would be waiting, running up to every SUV only to find out that most people are not in fact named Lindsay. ENN overhead one such exchange:

Hi! Are you Lindsay???
Um, no . . . my name's Monique.
Oh. Hi Monique.
Hi.
Have a nice day!

Other non-Lindsays included an angry old man and 15 year old girl with rock star hair. And no, she was not the one with the teddy bear hub caps.

Latest Headlines

Coldplay album in stark contrast to shiny, happy Itunes ad
Plastic euro coin found in pool, thanks to creator, Castorama
Tiny yellow onion's taste lasts 24 hours, mars love life, life in general; in other words, it just wont quit
French bank transfer heralded a success--bon voyage to our money!

Vive le Londres!

Mole-costumed woman attaches claws on Millennium Bridge

Geneva Crazy

2008-06-16T20:52:00.005+02:00

Euro Cup, the World Cup's strictly European sister, will be ravaging the streets of deathly quiet Geneva for two more weeks, turning Silent Sundays into raucous riots, complete with plastic air horns, airbrushed face paint and long nose/old man masks, for obvious reasons. Nuf said.

Latest Headlines

With England out of the running, Czech Republic and Turkey qualify for craziest fans
Ronald McDonald speaks French
Cold weather antithesis of summer (could summer be on strike?)
E's addiction to The Wire ongoing, despite being four years behind general public

Questionable Euro Cup 08 Practices

Blowing aforementioned air horn into another's ear
Omnipresent police who stand, glare, and do nothing, despite "no noise on Sunday" law
Evil Dr. Seuss-esque fire head twin mascot AKA wtf?

Vive le Euro Cup 2008

Shops actually open on Sunday! We must be dreaming . . .
Geneva fun enough for our man Ronny

French Telemarketer Eating Habit-Obsessed

2008-06-12T20:57:00.009+02:00

This afternoon, E picked up the phone to find a telemarketer on the other end of the line--speaking in French--which she found surprising until remembering moments later that she lives in France and thus such behavior should be considered normal. As that realization took place, the telemarketer spoke a lot of French accented gibberish until E stopped her with a deadening,

"I don't understand."
"Because?"
"I speak just a little bit of the French."
"Where do you originate?"
"Of the United States"
"American?"
"American"
"Do you eat?"
"Um, yes"
"Farewell"
"Farewell"

Latest Headlines

Weather takes break from turning from sun to rain promptly at 5pm; E and J walk it up
E runs for first time in forever and makes it home, no limping
J's Slovenian coworker considers herself personal inventor of term "bitch slap"
J comes home for baguette lunch, perk of working five minutes away

Vive le Londres!

Weather actually superior to France
E and J visit Ede & Ravenscroft, maker of barristers' (court lawyers) wigs, which run for £2,500 ($5000), and find out that the term "big wig" actually refers to judges, who, when they visit Her Royal Majesty wear a (cue drum roll) big wig.

World Health Association Survey Pro-Peacock

Survey results from approximately two weeks ago show that ENN readers want change, major change in the WHA conference next year: the sacred peacocks must be included in the voting process, paper will be banned, and Snickers will be outlawed. The one area readers declined to touch is the preamble, which will decidedly not include "To the rest of y'all punks." Next time, punk, next time.

Elf Sighting

2008-06-11T19:15:00.009+02:00

An elf-like creature was captured on camera outside the village of Ferney-Voltaire earlier this afternoon. ENN received a tip after a passerby noticed the tell-tale spiky, magenta-colored hair and used the resulting sketch to sneak a peak at the otherworldly being.

Latest Headlines

E suddenly remembers she lives in France
J hitchhikes home from far flung grocery store after steering wheel mishap
J + MacBook Pro = One happy man

Vive le Londres! (London)

Stephen Fry sighting (prior to knowing who he is)
King Lear at the Globe is magnifique despite standing in cold rain for three hours to see it
Something (MacBook Pro) actually cheaper in London than in France

Sporadic Posting Ahead

2008-05-28T23:17:00.002+02:00

In case you haven't already noticed the lack of Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday editions of ENN, its possible you wont see Thursday or Friday editions either. Or . . . you might. J and E will be criss crossing the "world" of London for the next two weeks, and hope to be sending in reports from the front. But if they don't, catch ENN again in a fortnight.

Eurovision 2008 Gives Cheese New Name (but what is it?)

2008-05-25T22:17:00.003+02:00

Somewhere in the realm between shock and horror, E and J sat mute during their first all night Eurovision party, giving each other The Look as if to say,

"Boy, is this fo' real?"
"Grrl, it is so fo' real!"

The Europe-wide original song contest, in existence since 1956, takes the cheesiest of the cheese (think Nickelodeon) and somehow adds more, like a Velveeta fondue. Since Esperanto didn't exactly take off, most of the songs are in English for comprehension purposes, which leads to amazing lyrics. In conclusion, Eurovision, a third Botox-induced sex show, a third just plain crazy, and a third pop star wannabee, all topped with a sprinkling of talent, is, as the Speed Racer star says of his movie, "One wild ride you wont want to miss!"

Lyrics You Wont Wanna Miss

From the Armenian entry:

Time is here tonight, You should make it right, To end our fight just hold me tight!

And the Norwegian entry:

Love can be hard sometimes, Yes it can catch you off guard like bad crimes, Yes it can make you depressed and angry, Make you say why me why won't anybody try me

Last but definitely not least, the Latvian entry, which was written by four--count them four--people:

With a hii hii hoo and a hii hii hey! We‘re hoisting the flag to be free. We will steal the show, Jolly Rogers go, We are wolves of the sea.

Don’t try to run it’s all set and done, There’s treasure in sight, We are robbing you blind, I hope you don’t mind.

We are taking it all tonight, Just walk away we'll count it all, Pirates will stand and the loser will fall

Utube Videos You Wont Wanna Miss

"Eh-rush-a" (Russia) wins with Timbaland-produced pop song; wont be long till you hear Dima crooning Believe in your ear, America
Spanish entry, Baila el chiki chiki, must see for those who have been waiting ALL their lives to see a Spanish Elvis Presley "strum" a plastic, miniature guitar
Have a look at what BBC host Terry Wogan calls "the four brides of Frankenstein and a loony with a clothes line"

J Divulges Ironies of World Health Assembly

2008-05-22T20:30:00.011+02:00

UN Palace guarded by fearless peacocks

Delegates munch on Snickers and cookies while debating the dangers of sugary, processed food
Large man with tiny binoculars scans not so large assembly room to read giant sized name cards
Climate change debate rages on while WHA slashes through 35 acres of rain forest each day to create endless stacks of paper handouts
ENN mentioned on the floor of the WHA, unfortunately in reference to another site

Latest Headlines

God, Tweety Bird wake E at 5:40 am for the start of her most productive morning yet
First No Noma Day event publicizes founder's name as much as flesh eating disease it highlights
E's bank card self-destructs, forcing her to revert to cash economy

Questionable Swiss Prices (CHF equal to USD):

King Lear, no longer copyrighted since author's death some 400 years ago: 18 CHF
Orville Redenbacher's Movie Theatre Butter popcorn from American Market: 12 CHF

Vive la Ferney-Voltaire!

So small its easy to escape on late afternoon walks
Population of bell-toting animals matches that of humans

Landmark Report Shows Poor Are Worse Off

2008-05-21T21:19:00.014+02:00

Soon to be official: "If you is po, you is f***ed," Sir Michael Marmot told the World Health Assembly in so many words during today's Technical Briefing on Social Determinants of Health. Despite the fact that its been general knowledge for centuries, its only just on the cusp of acceptance in the bureaucratic health world, where truth becomes Truth only once copied, collated, stapled, stamped and ratified.

Latest Headlines

Upcoming MacBook Pro acquisition has J seeing stars
E considers nude lap swim when suit goes missing, but realizes she's far too American for that
In crepe test, gruyere beats emmental hands down

Questionable French Practices

Wheel-less cars

Vive le France!

Ooh la la--la baguette!

Staple Shooter Here J Comes!
The People have spoken: J's new Exec, who will start promptly in August, and is still off the record and very hush hush, will shoot staples from his fingers, but may not be able to work the fax machine.

Desmond Tutu Brings Ying and Yang to the WHA

2008-05-20T21:13:00.005+02:00

In what could pass for real news as opposed to the usual ENN drivel, Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu of Cape Town, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize and best known running the Truth and Reconciliation Commission at Apartheid's end in South Africa, told the World Health Assembly, most notably J, prominent audience member, that humans can't judge each other as all good or bad, or can definitely not issue "first class tickets to hell." Instead, as he saw during and after apartheid, every human has an incredible capacity for both good and evil, similar to Transformers. Accompanying him was the Princess of Jordan , Muna al-Hussein, born Avril Antoinette Gardiner (in Ipswich, England), who said approximately nothing. "She also didn't say it particularly well," J told ENN, "the nothing, I mean."

Latest Headlines

J no longer going to Hong Kong, nor to any other countries. Apart from France, Switzerland and England.
Brand new Maserati not quite roadworthy, but mechanic doesn't mind
E, Genevan public shocked silent by runaway yellow bullet

Questionable French Practices

Pork gelatin finds its way into unsuspecting desserts

Vive le France!

Cow bells; they sound like wind chimes

WHA Debates Taiwan, Not Health

2008-05-19T21:28:00.005+02:00

In surprisingly heated discussions today, the 61st meeting of the World Health Organization (WHO), assembled for the world's highest level decision making health-related body (WHA), spent the majority of its time debating the inclusion or exclusion of Taiwan from the proceedings. (Since Taiwan is still part of China it is not treated as its own country.) Like Swiss clockwork, the issue is removed from the agenda, but this fact does not keep Taiwanese supporters from yelling out their objections, resulting in their expulsion by the friendly Swiss police despite majority support via lengthy applause by the suited crowd.

Latest Headlines

Lack of healthy food at World Health Professionals Alliance luncheon, forcing J to starve
United Nations Palace more industrial farm than palace due to extremely hot, cramped and cage-like seating for lowly NGOs
J hott to trot in his Thai tailored cashmere suit (ay yi yi)
Silicone swim cap transforms E into silver bullet (in the pool)

Questionable Swiss Practices

Blast from the recent past: See photo

Vive la Suisse!

Um . . . purdy flowas?

Plastic "Miracle Baby" Cow

2008-05-18T21:15:00.005+02:00

Shocking photos reveal the world's first live birth of a plastic cow by a similarly plastic mother cow. Scientists have yet to determine whether the female was impregnated by a plastic steer or if it was the result of binary cell division. The three star Hotelience, formerly yet another Best Western, expects a surge of visitors to gaze in awe at the mother-daughter pair on display in the small pasture to the right of the entrance.

Latest Headlines

Health regulation conference surprisingly "regular," says J
Flea market provides third children's book for J & E's growing, sophisticated French library
Dinner Party Central (DPC) brings the rock with conversation partner and ton mari
Ten minute freestyle rap (in French) reduced to four comprehensible words: I am, serious, Senegal
E's free parking success turns to fiasco, the desired destination miles away
Digital picture frame, J's latest schwag, underwhelming and yet still free

Questionable Swiss Practices

Three-wheeled motorcycles

Vive la Suisse!

Three, count them, three hours of free parking due to J's sly moves

French "Real Language" After All

2008-05-15T21:51:00.006+02:00

After many months of hopeless miscommunication, which caused E to doubt whether French was in fact an actual language, E finally met with success in not one but three situations today. Read it and weep. (E initiates each of the following deep exchanges)

Old man slowly pushing cart down jagged sidewalk

"You like the help?"
"No. Its just a question of time"
"Okay (with French accent)"
"Merci"

Woman studying bread bag with intense curiosity

"This is good sack!"
"Oh yes?"
"Yes, I use this sack for . . . for . . ."
"For bread?"
"Yes. For bread."
"Oh, there are different sizes."
"The big one is better for me. How you like it?"
"Merci and other French words."
"Hehe" (with French accent) followed by awkward walk away

Grocery store stocker with boyish face and large grin

"You know if you sell the flippers for the swimming?"
"The what?"
"The flippers"
"The what?"
"The f-l-i-p-p-e-r-s"
"Oh! The flippers. For the what?"
"For the swimming."
"Oh, for swimming. Follow me."
E and J follow man to sports aisle, where he shows us plastic scuba kits
"Oh, thank you so well!"
"Not a big deal!"

E's Existence Overshadowed by Large Breast

2008-05-14T22:41:00.007+02:00

For the first time ever, lowly staff dined with managers and councilors at the famous French restaurant Mongolian Barbecue, and even spouses were invited. E, not knowing any better, was the only spouse to accept the invitation, and saw to her horror why so many before her had declined: opposite her head was a painting of a gigantic breast, which upstaged her for the entire evening.

Latest Headlines

Massive overcrowding at pool leads to bashing, crashing and smashing
Long-waited announcement of unknown FDI ExecDirec quickly becomes tall tale:

"He's English, but he lives in the US"
"He's American but he lives in the UK"
"He's from New York"
"He's definitely not from New York--no one's from there"
"He's as tall as a sky scraper!"
"He's as wide as the ocean!"
"He's as strong as an ox!"

Questionable Thai Practices

Even Ronald McDonald bows in thanks
Traffic math: 5 blocks = 1 hour

Vive la Thailande!

Christmas in mid-May
Golden Buddhas stalk you at ten feet intervals

Yes, We Know, the Pool Went to Senor Frogs
As already "reported" by the long standing results, the pool clearly went to Senor Frogs during its week long vacation, most likely got wasted, danced on a table and puked in the bushes in the midst of a failed, unnoticed flashing attempt.

Thailand Excursion Marked by Perfection

2008-05-13T21:09:00.004+02:00

From a state of spiritual enlightenment, J told ENN that everything about his trip to the East was perfect: the hotel, the hostel, the food, sleeping on the plane both ways, the green gobs that taste like angel food cake, the massive shopping spree, suddenly discovering he's fluent in Thai, briefly becoming Buddha, and the utter state of bliss such heights brought him. ENN can't help but express its disappointment that its feature story is so lacking in dramatic tales of death and destruction, and apologizes for any inconvenience that may cause on the part of the reader.

Latest Headlines

Joy of Cooking turns to disaster and despair when beyond better judgment, E follows carrot-based pasta sauce recipe
Fresh market-purchased gnocchi becomes gooey mess when mixed with boiling water, a major design flaw
Bad ass jeans sighted in Ferney parking lot
Tuesday afternoon trip to IKEA less like hell, more like hell on Earth
E and J brave Bricorama, mainly on account of its amazing name, realizing deep-seated need for Styrofoam shaped like a pig's head
World conspires against E in her hunt for flippers and yet no one cares
E and J stage walk out from rubbish grocery store to little effect

Vive la Thailande!

It so cheap
Intercontinental Hotel bell boys wear pith helmets

Questionable Thai Practices

It so cheap it make you spend all the money!
Only three vegetarian dishes in whole of country

Racist Stoplight Incites Hatred

2008-05-12T22:58:00.004+02:00

When it comes to the intersection of Avenue de France and Rue de Lausanne, E refuses to drink Bud Dry. Instead, with the help of ENN, she not only documents the insanity, but also asks why. Specifically, why can't you turn right when the lane next to you is going straight. No oncoming traffic. No one turning. Nothing, absolutely nothing is happening except an onset of road rage, helped by the 5 minute minimum wait. E told ENN "it's clearly racialist! Why they gotta be hatin?" Once she learns Swiss German, she'll be sure to address her concerns to The Man .

Latest Headlines

J still in transit, enjoying long haul in KLM's luxurious coach
Disaster strikes during one-handed attempt to open aforementioned milk after desperate post-chocolate bar dash, kitchen floor transformed into lapping white lake
Pool lady slams door in E's face, clearly a result of prejudice
No mail again
E runs for first time in 330 days and lives to tell the tale despite glaring lack of tale
Lack of questionable French practices found questionable

Vive le France!

Ground-breaking discovery: Lactose-reduced milk actually sold at more than one awful grocery store
Party rages on next door for all of two hours until the neighbors make it stop. Thank you possibly Swiss/noise-hating neighbors. Thank you.

Shocking Skype Addiction Discovered

2008-05-11T10:43:00.000+02:00

In a shocking report shared exclusively with ENN, Skype records show that internet phone addiction may be on the rise. After scouring the data for clues, ENN found that one woman spent over 10 hours using the software, which allows users to make calls over the internet for free, during a single week. What does that translate to? 600 minutes in an Ikea desk chair with Logitech headphones strapped to her ears, missing dinner and avoiding household responsibilities. Though ENN wont release her true identity for legal reasons, the subject agreed to be photographed behind her newfound veil of shame.

Latest Headlines

Jon enjoys last day in the land of the Thai
All day shopping spree yields nada pero nada; Down with H&M!
TomTom GPS, gift of sight help E to find friend's house without getting lost, not even once
Hatred of Genevan driving practices intensifies, vengeful search for road engineer continues

Questionable French Practices

Pools laying out facilities, i.e. beach chairs, indoors only. Outdoor sun seekers forced to stoop to lying flat on plastic deck
Beaches either a grassy or rocky affair, causing E to wonder whether to invest heavily in sand imports

Vive le France!

Glass bottles not only allowed but welcome at any and all beach locales
Private beach fee waived after 5pm, saving those 3 Swiss Francs for next night on the town

Overheard on the Dance Floor

2008-05-09T10:00:00.013+02:00

Reading degraded as loser activity by Frenchman with poofball hair, creepy smile, and twirling hips:
"So what clubs do you usually go to?"
"Umm, this one?"
"What? Are you joking?"
"No. I'm here, aren't I?"
"I bet you just stay home and read books a lot"
"Yes, actually, I do."

Portly English "gentleman," proud resident of somewhere that sounds like Clarkson, affects momentary deafness:
"What are you doing here?"
"Good question."
Joke not well-received/understood
"For work. Where do you work?"
"At home. I write."
"What?"
"I'm writing a book about a school shooting that happened while I was at university. You know, I lived in London last year in Bloomsbury and there were some hoodies (British for gangs) in the area and I would feel scared at first when they approached but then I'd remember they didn't have guns, and I'd breathe this huge sigh of relief and say to myself, 'Thank god it's only knives!' Not that I'd really like to be knifed. But anyway, they always talk about the rising amount of violence in London, but coming from the US, I always thought, well, six people a month is nothing, which is unfortunate, you know, for America."
Possibly dramatic pause.
"Sorry, but I haven't the foggiest idea what you just said."

Political conversation screeches to halt with suited Italian with mass of curly hair and moderately protruding gut:
"So what do you think of Berlusconi?"
"Who?"
"Berlusconi. Your Prime Minister. I was surprised he got reelected."
"Oh, well I don't live there, so I don't really think about it."

French a la Crazy English Style i.e. one word shouted at time

Oú!
Where
Est-que!
Do
Tu!
You
Travailles!
Work?

Latest Headlines:

E makes blasphemous admission that despite 15 L size bottle of Cristal's $1000 price tag, she still doesn't really like the taste
Horribly sweaty feet and resulting blisters result in bizarre walking pattern, causing drunk passersby to ask E how she injured her leg

E Gets Skype-a-Licious

2008-05-07T20:26:00.000+02:00

With hubby, J, out of town and out of sight, E is spending her now-empty evenings in various awkward positions in their Ikea desk chair, plugged into her headset, staring into the eyes of their massive iMac and talking nonstop for hours. Luckily, with the influx of friends, and a lack of mental illness, she is talking to someone, as opposed to hoping for consolation and understanding from the plastic Logitech mouthpiece alone. ENN predicts that E's "Wild and Crazy" midnight talks will come to an end of their own accord when E starts waking up in unfamiliar locales due to her self-imposed sleep deprivation and dependence on tea, coffee's less caffeinated friend.

Latest Headlines

E activates French credit card five days before pumpkin-transforming deadline
J arrives in Bangkok, takes over weatherman role, describing temperature as "Hot, but not crazy hot"
Long phone calls until late in the night
Post woman begrudgingly gives E package for J despite lack of signature, different last names, general suspicious nature
E's flip turns go strangely awry, leaving her sideways, facing wrong direction

Questionable French (Store) Practices

Half hour hunt for distilled water turns grocery store expedition into all-evening affair
Delicious champagne-substitute--Crémant d'Alsace--located yet unattainable due to funny working hours

Vive le France!

Countryside drive to nowhere in particular confirms intense, healthy state of chlorophyll
Existence of aforementioned Crémant d'Alsace: Louis Irion

Search For ENN Staff Writer Called Off

2008-05-06T20:22:00.003+02:00

During today's early morning hours, E, feeling "unfunny" and "bored," contemplated her next big dream: bringing another writer on board ENN's bustling newsroom. She daydreamed about all the time she could spend enjoying her life instead of writing it, all the guilt that would be spared on sleepy Sunday nights, birthdays, and the days in between. But then, in a massive reality-based attack, it disappeared as quickly as it came. Why? Because said staff writer would have no idea what E does, and for better or for worse, ENN is based on E's life. "I guess this thing really does depend on me. Darny-marny," she told ENN, inexplicably.

Latest Headlines

J leaves for Thailand: spicy food, hot weather, and hilarious Engrish translations ahead
Birthday heralded "major success," due to fab emails, delish food, gorgeous weather, and field of esp. cute cows
E relates events of past five days en français in under an hour, setting new PB (Personal Best)
Dreamy weekend convinces immigrant couple of "good life" attainment

Questionable Border Guard Practices

Generally mole-like; don't escape from indoor settings for inspections
When outside, "forget" to communicate whether one is allowed to pass, despite sole purpose of job

Vive le France!

Annecy, France's Venice, exists!
E and J enter world of above-ground, non-structure parking, reaping massive savings

Third Day of Facebook as Desk Job

2008-04-30T20:29:00.006+02:00

For the third day this week J. has braved his desk job and its temporary lack of work. As his boss H. is on holiday as usual and J. has done everything on his list, his only job now appears to be "killing time" and "hanging out" on Facebook. "There are many important things to be done but at this point everything depends on the Man," J. told ENN.

Latest Headlines

E. manages to swim one length of butterfly and do one flip turn at the pool, telling ENN, "Hi-ya!"
J. overcomes urge to devour still-warm baguette as he leaves the bakery
Fickle pring dives into another cold patch

Questionable French Practices

Ordering a "credit card" takes three weeks, four phones calls, and ten signatures
Addendum: "Credit cards" are illegal, so it is just a glorified debit card

Vive la France!

May 1st is a holiday; no longer evil "Commie day" like in the U S of A
Mouth watering crispy spongy delicious previously mentioned baguette

Secret Grocery Store Hiding in Mountain Meadow

2008-04-29T21:26:00.007+02:00

After following a long path through deep green and bright yellow fields, framed by mountains on either side, E and J came along to E. LeClerc, a mysterious gray building that opened up to the most beautiful grocery store yet, superior even to their new love, Carrefour, so much so, that they considered stopping for an espresso at the Brasserie, though due to a massive yogurt spill on E's part, which invited many an "Ooh la la!" from passersby, they were thrown out onto the street by a shopping vigilante.

Latest Headlines

Star Circus less exciting than Cirque de Rome, despite punk rock shaved llama
Goodbye party at work nets 20 "good lucks's," 0 "we'll miss you's"
Conversation partner's new pup attracts entire age, sanity range in public park

Questionable Swiss Practices

Massive chaos, lack of moving traffic, due to bike race and subsequent malfunctioning of entire city's traffic light system
Nothing's free dans la Suisse: condiment packets at McDonalds 20 cents each
Call the Plainpalais diamond a rond point, or roundabout, despite sharp edges, quadrangle shape

Vive la Suisse!

Thanks for the Alps, y'all!
Emergency vehicle sirens keep eardrums in tact

First Official Long Lazy Weekend Comes to Sad End

2008-04-28T20:27:00.005+02:00

E and J traipsed from one outdoor location to another in Geneva's first full weekend of sunshiny bliss, this one accompanied by an ex-revolutionary and a gorgeous French lady, who are going so far as to refer to themselves as friends. Several hours at an outdoor cafe in Old Town was followed by a romp in an undiscovered park, bested by a delicious dinner party that went long into the night. The love affair continued into Sunday, with a picnic on one of Lake Geneva's grassy beaches and an ice cream bar along the pier. Then, in the falling light on Sunday evening, the time came to say their goodbyes, barely audible among their gulps for air and endless sobbing.

Latest Headlines

Star Circus comes to town with less fanfare, larger tents, and one sad pony
Car's dirt bike engine and constant lurching fixed, sort of
Discovery: Larger, nicer, cheaper grocery store just five minute drive away
Provisional social security number issued, "The Process" continues
Pool back from vacation
GPS finally arrives, with an Austin Power's voice; "Groovy driving baby, yeeeeah"

Questionable French Practices

Literal translation of passing out en français: to fall into the apple
Under and over, straight and right, respectively, sound exactly the same to the untrained ear

Vive le France!

Gorgeous countryside, villages, forces E's head out of car window for gawking purposes
90% lactose free milk for those dairy-challenged unfortunate enough to live in a dairy nation

E and J Brave Genevan Nightlife

2008-04-25T13:37:00.004+02:00

For the first time in months, E and J made an appearance in the wild and crazy clubs of Geneva's seedy underbelly, carrying with them, as usual, an unaltered sense of superiority. At approximately 9:30 pm, the snazzy couple arrived at Lady Godiva, an English pub with a Disney-fied, American bar feel, nicely symbolized by a playboy-esque version of the popular legend, to celebrate the departure of a man named Matt whom they never met. After two hours of raucous talking, also known as yelling at the top of your lungs, one warm yet free Corona and a wee bit of "bouncing around," i.e. dancing, the two black-clad figures slipped off into the night.

Latest Headlines

Google search shows ENN has top page rank, foreshadowing fame, fortune, and enlarged egos
"Rösti," an undefined hash brown-like food source, cooked to crispy perfection
Sun shines in second day in row; Ferneysians unsure whether to trust their new friend, or if its just making an "appearance"

Questionable French Practices

Quasi impossible to park legally in Geneva, REAL Genevans say
Chill lounge with garage door passed over in favor of aforementioned Lady Godiva

Vive le France!

Post work walk leads E and J into middle of bright yellow field between two mountain ranges
Phone never interrupts due to lack of telemarketing, not knowing anyone

Short Burst of Sun Staves Off Rickets

2008-04-23T22:17:00.006+02:00

After weeks of rain, snow, and generally gray skies, heavenly rays of sunlight burst through the milky blanket of doom earlier today, inducing Vitamin D production in the shiny happy people, only to disappear hours later. This is only the latest in a series of odd meteorological behavior, of which Al Gore seemed to predict better than the local meteorologist.

Latest Headlines

Parking beneath train station ransoms car for 10 Swiss Francs (same as USD)
Fresh gnocchi and Barilla pesto sauce end in disappointing, chewy disaster
E. spends hour describing the weekend in Venice in 20 (or less) sentences to still-beloved French conversation partner (en français)
Dinner with friends this week and next confirm E and J's status as social magnets

Questionable Swiss Practices pour les chiens

Implanting RFID tags in dogs now obligatory
Dog tax for those 25 kg (55 lbs) and over: 100 CHF for one, 200 CHF for the second AKA two dogs = 300 CHF per year
No dogs in parks, not even on leash

Vive la Suisse pour les chiens!

Free "poo" bags distributed in the few remaining dog-friendly parks

Foray Made into French Book for Kids

2008-04-22T20:21:00.005+02:00

In what could only be referred to as a major success, it only took E and J ten minutes to read two pages in Le Petit Nicolas et Les Copains, a French book for eight year olds. Their favorite phrase from those magnificent six paragraphs was le chouchou de la maîtresse which ENN can only interpret as the teacher's pet.

Latest Headlines

Piscine municipale (local pool) goes on week long spring break
Truth actually spoken during morning staff meeting
E's nose transforms into red, bulbous, tissue-encrusted "thing"
Loud sawing next door suggests apartment makeover or a serial killer in action

Questionable French Practices

Pools go on holiday
Au bureau (at the office), holiday must be earned for a year before it can be taken

Vive le Venezia (again)!

Someone here has the last name of Magnifichi (that's magnificent, folks)

Squirrel Survey From Forever Ago

According to our not recent, massively responded to and incredibly accurate survey, squirrels are most likely your previous incarnation, which was possibly a crack addict.

E and J Do Venice

2008-04-21T21:12:00.006+02:00

In their first overnight stay away since arriving in Geneva in January, E and J somehow survived sans night light and stuffed animals at Venice's Camp Jolly, which isn't actually in Venice. Both God and the sun smiled down on them, giving them minor sunburns and guiding them towards their reunion with Houstononian compatriots in the labyrinth that is Venice. Ah . . . another weekend away in Europe
Venetian Headlines (not to be confused with their blinds har har)

E and J last full day and a half without a map, aided by lack of destination (and mad skillz)
Piazza San Marco floods, kicking off momentary trash bag wader fashion and catastrophic theories of Venice's underwater future
E and J subsist on delicious mix of espresso, gelato and pizza, forgetting their dear friend, pasta, entirely

Questionable Venetian Practices

Camping Jolly = Venetian trailer park, not actually in Venice
Gondola rides 120 euros
Camping Jolly's slogan "psst... so much fun your mom wouldn't stay here, or maybe she would"

Vive Venezia

No cars at all in Venice!
Sunny/warm and doesn't smell (contrary to the vicious rumors)
3 groups of Houstonians manage to meet up
One of the most beautiful cities in the world

Car "Squeaky Clean" After Week at Garage

2008-04-17T22:24:00.002+02:00

A week and 600 euros after E. and J.'s car sputtered to a stop outside Garage Giraud, a small rectangular building on a triangular section of grass where two diagonal roads meet, it now moves forward when the accelerator is pressed down. A round chose (thing) and three apparently very important rubber belts were replaced, which now cause occasional, high pitched squeaking noises, which has already elicited several dirty looks. On the upside, the engine now sounds like a dirt bike, as opposed to its earlier incarnation as a small, powerless lawn mower (not to be confused with the Ferrari lawnmowers that attend to our grounds).

Latest Headlines

Carte de Sejour (year long visa) retrieved before self destruct date
Escargot pastry has neither snails nor cinnamon, as expected by E., a heat-sensing cinnamon roll huntress
J. meets with success at first building alarm deactivation, documents retrieved

Questionable French Practices

According to legal French documents, E. born in "Lewis," wherever that is
Also according to said document, E. and J. entered le France on 00/01/2008

Vive le France!

Bus to Geneva, train to Venice--three countries in one day
We're legal! After three months! And E. can't work!

Flood Targets American Immigrants

2008-04-16T22:06:00.004+02:00

In search of "that crappy but large" frying pan, E. went down to the cave i.e. storage unit only to find out that it had been invaded by a flood from last week's incessant rain. Clearly an attack on non-American soil, the water clumped together using its tactic of surface-tension to destroy a large stack of unfolded cardboard boxes that had one day hoped to hold discarded things, their only true purpose in life. Due to their American citizenship, E. and J.'s Unit 42 was one of only four targeted by the seething, freedom hating wet substance uncommonly referred as "dubya."

Latest Headlines

E. and J. ordered to City Hall to collect Carte de Sejour (AKA the one visa that actually counts for something) before it self destructs in eight days
E. finds French conversation partner and falls in love . . . with the idea of free lessons from a sweet Colombian woman

Questionable French Practices

Post Office worker demands to see E.'s numbered ticket prior to serving her despite her status Only One in Store
Entire bakeries go on holiday, meanwhile Thanking You for Understanding, despite E.'s incomprehension

Vive le France!

Bakers have rights too!
1.90 € pack o' fried tofu puts the D in deliceuse (delicious)

Immigrants Consider Joining World Food Riot

2008-04-15T21:43:00.004+02:00

After purchasing a 5 kg bag of basmati rice for 21 €, E. and J.'s combined rage made them prime candidates for the worldwide riots over food prices. If fuel prices weren't soaring, they'd consider joining their compatriots in Haiti or driving to Egypt or maybe even Bangladesh. ENN is still attempting to locate the road they plan on taking if the hypothetical should ever turn into the actual. Instead, they're stuck in Ferney Voltaire, where J. tells ENN, "If corn prices go up like rice, I'm kickin Bushie's ethanol soaked ass!" Watch for headlines.

Latest Headlines

Bunny looking mobile case recycled into case for New! camera
J. forces Frenchie ebay guy to conform to Paypal, scoring new GPS
Car hiding out in garage for days on end, forces E. to bus it again

Questionable Traveling from Geneva to Anywhere Else Practices

Despite being close to everything, the costs have risen 10 fold compared to London
Air France offering $5,000 deal for weekend in Spain

Vive le France!

Cheap fried tofu at the Mekong Delta Supermarche; three cheers for colonialism
Bakery open on Sundays, unlike everything else (okay, there is Church, but it doesn't sell much)

Body Snatching Suspected in Zombie Case

2008-04-14T20:15:00.006+02:00

After two weeks of constant activity due to family visits, E. and J. have assumed a zombie like state, causing the editors of ENN to suspect that aliens may have snatched their bodies and replaced them with zombie look alikes. When ENN asked J. what he wanted for dinner, he just shook his head and stared at the floor. Moments later, ENN found E. sticking her head into the fridge, unable to name what she was looking for. If you have seen the real E. and J. please return them to The Authorities as soon as possible. Maybe they've also lost their sense of humor . . .

Latest Headlines

Bloggers Back Bloggin
Prescient Toyota breaks down right in front of auto mechanic
E. buses, trams across town to track down doctor, to find out that G. must take vitamin B12--or else!

Questionable Swiss Practices

Unintelligible pro-horse, anti-car graffiti
Eye catching, pornographic anti-AIDS ads

Vive le Monde Francophone (French speaking world)!

Daily hospital visits vastly improve E.'s French
E. and J. consume Worlds Best Croissants and live to tell the tale

ENN offline until Monday night

2008-04-10T11:02:00.003+02:00

News blackout due to family visit and hospitalization of grandparent--we will return to the daily grind on Monday, Monday, Monday. Apologies for the extended absence. We've missed you too.

J. Suddenly, Inexplicably Off to London

2008-03-27T21:07:00.004+01:00

Lack of stickers, abundance of twisted lies at Belgium's Sierra Leone embassy necessitates day trip to London "to sort it" J. tells ENN, in reference to his visa for the lowest rated country on the Human Development Index. J. hopes to make it to "SL" in time to help the National Oral Health Policy for all six current dentists in country, a possibility that now depends on the Commonwealth Secretariat's ability to pull strings during J.'s visit tomorrow. J. was banished to the embassy in Belgium because its the closest thing to France with a Sierra Leonean relationship.

Latest Headlines

Cart Vert, another temporary insurance card, not to be confused with Cart Gris, obtained during five minute trip to the bank
E. spends entire afternoon on social outing in Lausanne with promising new friend
Cirque de Rome disappears this morning, leaving behind bright yellow hay cart, piles of animal poo as only momentos

Questionable French Practices

Euro thieving photo kiosk debits J. one extra euro for good measure

Vive le France!

5 minute French tart creation staggeringly superior to US equivalent, the Pizza Pocket
Simple salad dressing easily overtakes all other dressings ever consumed in life. Ever.

Circque de Roma Terrorizes Town, Goats

2008-03-26T20:34:00.001+01:00

In the blink of an eye, after a cacophony of honks and horns, an empty parking lot turned into a raucous circus late Tuesday night. Or at least a large blue and yellow tent surrounded by caravans and a small zoo of displaced creatures. The snow had barely melted before the Bactrian (two humped) camels were let loose and awkwardly galloped around. Lured by the constant Italianate French announcements blared from a yellow minivan, E. and J. crept under the cover of dusk to pet the miniature goats, whose horns are suggestive of the devil. A large cart of raw meat next to the three foot tall ponies puzzled E. and J., "Well darn, maybe thems just a new species of carnivorous horses, all carnie like," J. told ENN.

Latest Headlines

Supermarché of greater interest than circus, late afternoon milk run shows
Three months into relationship with bank, savings account opened
After turning in random grouping of documents, car insurance may be lowered, may not
E. able to communicate in past tense to someone other than French teacher, resulting in refunded pool visit (see Emotional Breakdown at Pool in last week's news)

Questionable French Practices

Store clerk nabs 2 € coin J. had hidden in his change 'purse', breaking his heart, sense of personal space

Vive le France!

Stoplights flash yellow before green, signalling drivers to start their engines, using ingenious system E. thought up at age 8
Clever signage for entering and leaving towns, as shown on right

Immigrant Couple Almost Lose Each Other, Selves, in Snow

2008-03-25T21:45:00.005+01:00

On their first ski outing on Monday, E. and J. (and their spy friend S.) innocently boarded an unattended chairlift only to find, in bouts of shock and horror, that they may never get off. What seemed like hours later, during which they were pelted with stinging snowflakes of . . . snow, they arrived in a white void. Luckily, E. and J. employed their handy knowledge of gravity to determine which way was down, and meditatively experienced every bump and sudden drop off as if they never knew it was coming, which was in fact the case. Miraculously, they survived, and chose to take it as a sign that they should never take that chairlift again. "Otherwise it was pumpy pow pow," E. told ENN in apparent mimicry of late 90s snowboarder lingo.

Latest Headlines

First day of spring marks first, largest snowfall of season
Control technique passed on 8th visit to garage, car officially "legal"
Bunny biscuits only visible celebration of Easter, blow buttons off map in cuteness
Two evening forays into Genevan nightlife result in one possible new friend, onset of lung cancer

Questionable French Practices

Candy delivered via flying Easter bell from Rome (vs. American egg-laying rabbit), both apparent friends of Jesus
Holiday-happy French have just one day off for Easter while hardworking Swiss frolic on the slopes for two

Vive le France!

Amazing Alpine skiing just over an hour and 7 euros in tolls away
Arrival of Easter Bell entitles all to three-day weekend

E. and J. One Step Closer to Legalization

2008-03-20T22:20:00.002+01:00

Two officially translated birth certificates, eight mug shots, ten photocopies, two canary yellow folders, and the serendipity to both be in the same country at the same time meant that today will go down in history as E. and J.'s Third Step towards becoming legal residents en France. The immigrant couple spent thirty minutes in the Marie (Ferney's 'city' hall) watching a Chanel sunglassed woman with spiky black hair and a cubic zirconia-studded belt alternately tap away at her keyboard and rush between her desk and the copy machine with an ever changing series of papers. Most notable was her impressive ability to staple in a rapid and explosive motion, effectively recreating the sound of machine gun fire. With the final staple, which went clear through the forehead of J's second photo, she delivered the news, "You will receive a letter in three weeks." At which point the entire office jumped for joy, kicked their heels together, and broke into song.

Latest Headlines

E. and J. fight tooth and nail against homebody nature, join pre-Paque (Easter) celebrations au Geneve and even find legal parking space
J. purchases 90 € of anti-malarial medication in preparation for upcoming tour of Sierra Leone
E. and J. find comedy in the streets with this lil' yeller thang.
After combined 10 hours searching, E. secures housing in Venice, solidifying weekend scamper in late April

Questionable Venetian Practices

Many Ostellos (hostels) only make reservations 7 days prior to booking, or on the day of, i.e. no reservations
Most Ostellos cost 60 € per night per person unless staying in a dorm, showing little difference between themselves and hotels. Tell me, my Italian compatriots, perché?

Vive le Venise! la Venezia!

On E.'s top five list of most gorgeous cities on planet, four others as yet unknown
They speak-a tha Italiano. And eat-a tha Italiano food-eh.

J. Saved from Starvation, Returns Home

2008-03-19T21:57:00.003+01:00

Late this evening, J. triumphantly returned from Croatia, one of the six and half Balkan states (Bosnia and Herzegovina, Macedonia, Montenegro, Serbia, Slovenia and now possibly Kosovo), despite an unplanned hunger strike due to a general absence of vegetables. When J.'s Serbian coworker shared J.'s vegetarian status with the waiter, he responded with Dr Evil style laugh and walked away. If he ever makes it back to Zagreb, J. told ENN there's no way he'd miss out on Pizza Cut Duck, which looked, "promising."

Latest Headlines

E. and J. eat together for first time in four days!
E. purchases "smart" deal to Venice with some help from Mr. Man after 40 min wait
J. warms E.'s heart with largest chocolate bar in all of Duty Free

Questionable Croatian Practices

Meteorological chaos: all four seasons in 24 hours, suggesting onset of local apocalypse
No meat? No cheese? No food.
Croatian Prez enters J.'s hotel unnoticed
Croat and Serbian sound remarkably similar (i.e. exactly thesame) despite official status as "different" languages

Vive la Republika Hrvatska/la Croatie!

Unnameable cream cheese like substance est deliceuse
City named Split, accessible by Whizz Air

Scheduling Mishap Precursor to Emotional Breakdown

2008-03-18T20:46:00.003+01:00

After checking and double-checking the Piscine Municipale schedule, E. packed her bag and headed across town for a brisk lap swim only to find The Pool Lady in her way, waving her hand and saying, "Cinq minute!" or "Five minutes left so buy-bye." Without a way to communicate, "WTF?" E. repeated Pool Lady's words in an incredulous tone and when that didn't change what time it was, reverted to the French words, "Oh, alright," and left, despite having already paid the fee.

Latest Headlines

Tonight's dinner, crispy potatoes and carrots with thyme and rosemary quite possibly food of the gods
Croatia report: J. wakes to snowy landscape, replacing yesterday's sun in the fun, unsure of who to blame

Questionable French Practices

Strange affinity for individually wrapped yogurt containers, hatred for and nonexistence of large "uni" containers

Vive le France!

See latest headlines numero uno!

Death Stare Scarily Effective in Final French Class

2008-03-17T22:57:00.004+01:00

Emergency health services were almost called in during tonight's French class after E. concentrated her death stare on one innocent Ukranian girl, and then the rest of the class. ENN ran after E. when she walked out, slammed the door, and snuck down the fire escape in order to get her side of the story. "She kept correcting me, goddamit!" E. yelled up to ENN's cameras as she slunk away into the darkness. According to the language facility, E. has not signed up for further French classes due to "prolonged discussions about rectangles and flags, neither of which have anything to do with my life," as she wrote on her [dis]satisfaction survey. More as the story develops.

Latest News Headlines

Quick stop to grocery store turns into hour-long philosophical discussion in the makeup aisle
E. able to drink tea, eat crumpet; ENN pronounces clean bill of health
St Paddy's Day falls during "Holy Week" for first time in 70 years, last time in 150 years. Chew on dat.
Tall eared squirrel has a stare down with E. and loses

Questionable Ferneysian Practices

St Patricks passes Ferney unnoticed
Local elections take place on Sunday morning, the heathens!

Vive le France!

Baked potato complete with dirt, proving it came from Mother Earth
Huge buckets of "cold cheese" mystify E. on tri-weekly basis

Skiers Fail to Heed Repeated "Chill Pill" Demands

2008-03-16T12:26:00.004+01:00

During her first Alpine skiing expedition last Saturday at the French Avoriaz resort, E. was shocked to find an abundance of "rambunctious kidlings," intent on crushing her beneath their skis. E. told ENN that instead of floating over the snow, "as if in a cloud," she spent the majority of her time looking over her back in fear of the next "attack." ENN couldn't locate any of the alleged attackers or find witnesses to corroborate the story, but it did overhear E.'s mutterings to herself while waiting for the chair lift such as the all too familiar 80's expression "take a chill pill," or less well-known, "we're on a mountain, people!" What disturbed her most was having to swipe the ski pass before entering each chair lift corral after being elbowed to the back of the line, causing her to exclaim, "I'm not on the motherf-ing underground!" in reference to London's transport system. Despite E.'s protestations, she failed miserably in her attempt to change the ski culture in a single afternoon.

Latest Headlines

ENN runs from Sunday to Thursday, effective yesterday (five updates a week, fowks!)
J. country hops from Dubai to Croatia, the latter responsible for creating the necktie
E. mistakes Le Toilette for altar, spends several in prayer and devotion

Questionable Genevan Practices

Ten cars = major traffic jam due to ingenious engineering of roads, stoplights
Only available parking illegal

Vive le France!

Despite crap snow, people, Les Alpes' beauty remains untouched
In refreshing moment of humanity, strangers actually acknowledge each other on the street (Ferney is a village, may I remind you)

Hero Journeys to Airport, Collects Maiden

2008-03-12T22:38:00.005+01:00

Following the classic hero's journey, J.'s call to action came in the form of a text from E. that read, "I'm here. Come get me." J. then braved traffic, gear changes, and customs, to pick up E. from the airport deep in foreign territory. After a confusing phone call debating the meaning of "over here," J. saved the maiden from the general chaos of life and had her drive them back home, where they made merry and ate French, (i.e. crazy cheese) frozen pizza.

Latest Headlines

Unnamed man aligns headlines for price of un cafe au lait (that's 5 euros, apparently)
J. gets shot up. In hospital. With needles. May travel to "crazy town" for next 10 years
J.'s office wireless only for 30 and under, observations determine
E. bobbed by Vidal Sassoon staff, pictures to follow
London still gray, rainy, ugly

Questionable French Practices

Mile long drive takes half hour due to creation of, addiction to roundabouts
Construction workers "at the office" from 9-5
Alleged building owner wanders into J.'s office in search of tape measure

Vive le France!

See headline number one!
Credit cards illegal/don't exist

Man Beats Machine

2008-03-09T09:09:00.008+01:00

While not as heroic as good old John Henry, J. managed to best his manual Toyota Corolla in a competition of man vs. machine. “It took a few tries to get going, but I am comfortably in control now,” J. told ENN. J.’s accomplishment has been toted as a monuments human comeback, possibly even avenging Garry Kasparov’s loss to Deep Blue in 1997. J. reputedly forced the car to move forwards and backwards in mostly fluid motion, obeying most traffic laws through his deft use of the car’s daunting manual transmission.

Latest Headlines

J. Drives to other country to bowl, wins all three games
Not a single pickup truck at Geneva auto show but several strange models trying too hard at Italian car stands
Monsieur Control Technique power hungry and unaccepting of car's present state despite three "check ups"

Questionable French practices

Ironically, auto show makes traffic too bad to drive
French class makes J feel dumber not smarter
Bowling involves only 10 pins

Vive la France!

Further car show irony in discount entry to car show with bus ticket
Phone outage at office lasts all day... peace and quiet descends on the land

Suprise Phone Call Suggests Hell May In Fact Freeze Over

2008-03-07T19:35:00.007+01:00

A surprise phone call late last night confirmed linked by ENN to a sudden but dramatic lowering of temperatures in hell. "I couldn't believe my eyes," J. told ENN, describing the moment he saw the number appear on is mobile. In a shocking turn of events the previous owners of E. and J.'s new used car called out of the blue saying that they had found a replacement headlight. This after their number was disconnected last week and E. and J. presumed screwed. Scientists are not sure when or if hell will actually freeze over, but if the previous owner actually completes the installation of the headlight and the car passes the French inspection, such consequences are feared. The exact effects of a frozen hell are unknown but scientists think it might be related to Republican apathy to global warming.

Latest News

Scab writer liberates ENN from strike
Ski trip canceled before it even began
Extra Dirhams (Dubai currency) useless in France

Questionable French Practices

Newly discovered bi-yearly medical exam strangely similar to bi-year car inspection
Previous visa medical inspection apparently somehow different from bi-yearly counterpart

Vive la France!

Lazy lunch of bread and cheese actually delicious

ENN On Strike Due To Lack of Pay, Presence

2008-03-06T00:00:00.003+01:00

In a shocking revelation, readers learned that ENN had gone on strike, a fact that remained unknown due to a lack of reporters to report about the . . . reporters. In fact, readers may notice that the style and tone of this here reportage follows Crappalicious more closely than MLA or Shakespearean sonnetry or whatever it is those silly people with only first initials for names write about.

Back to the Hard News, As Per Ushe, ENN staff has officially "left the building" and wont return "for some time," i.e. Tuesday. So, lovely anonymous readers who we cherish so much, see us next week for a survey on squirrels.

Signing off,
Anyone but E.

Spy Plan Hatched

2008-03-03T20:51:00.003+01:00

Now that E. can differentiate between one French word and the next, allowing her to overhear conversations in an understandable fashion as opposed to the French version of blah blah blah, E. is considering becoming a master of covert operations. Some of her latest findings:

Lady at the park: "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?" [Code for "Get the Russians"]
Sister to brother using her scooter, "You're really bad at that." [i.e. Meet under the oak tree at high noon]
Ladies at pool: "Animal fat?" "No, I use vegetable liquid." [Code status: undefined]
Ladies at pool (again): Either "It's not such a violent sport," or "Playing the violin is like a sport." [Decoded as either, "I am a violent spy killer," or "My violin is a dangerous weapon."]

Latest Headlines

Headlights apparently unnecessary for Geneve-Ferney nighttime drive, unplanned experiment shows
E. responsible for 1 point of Quiz Team's 83, helping to secure 10th place in dramatic finish at Mr Pickwick's Pub
E. contemplates road rage, becoming a bus driver during hour long traffic jam
Squeegee man puts hex on E.'s car to no apparent effect
S. admits to spy status, position compromised
Google image search unwittingly finds "levitating hover scooter." Enough said.

Questionable French Practices

Land of quiche lacks pie pans, throwing gastronomic history into question

Vive le France!

Meandering country drive reminds E. of Alps', spring's existence
Thanks to indispensable French class, E. able to communicate when library opens, closes

Dubai Report: On location with veteran reporter, J.

In case of determination, perseverance, ability to sit, J. makes it to Dubai despite obstacles at every turn
J. locates sidewalks in Dubai city, a first
Spice market sells more junk than spice, suggesting need for spice influx or name change

VF/VO Disparity Ends in Tragedy

2008-03-01T00:44:00.002+01:00

Pinning all her hopes and dreams on a Friday night movie was the first mistake E. made. The second was thinking VF and VO were interchangeable. Having arrived just in time to see the ever uplifting There Will Be Blood, one letter stood in her way, letter F. F for France, F for Failure, F for Version Francais. If only the F had been switched for an O, life would have been good and cowboys would have spoken their mother tongue. Instead, their lips were doomed to out of sync-ness, the film instead depicting a Frenchified Wild West, showing what life might have been like if the French/Indian War had gone the other way.

Latest Headlines

Second rate cowboy movie in process of downloading, in V.O. (Version Original)
E. makes contact with pool wall during flip turn, a first
J. maybe definitely probably not going to Sierra Leone
Concrete thwarts immigrant's attempts to beautify home, bends nails

Lack of Questionable French Practices (today)

Vive le France!

"365 kinds of cheese!" J. mumbles in a silly voice, laughs
Fresh gnocchi available from grocery store for cheap

Staff Meeting Results in TP Roll Collection

2008-02-28T21:32:00.008+01:00

In an strange turn of events, J.'s staff meeting conveyed no useful information, flaunting an online dictionary definition of meeting, "to assemble for a particular purpose." Despite being chock full of chatter, the one-hour meeting, which lasted an hour and half, communicated nothing of any apparent importance. While the staff did learn a "fun fact" about each of their colleagues, they failed to do anything productive, though ears perked up during the weekly authoritative refusal to disseminate information regarding the office's upcoming move, and comments were almost made. It ended with a poignant call to collect cardboard toilet paper rolls for a children's art project, causing E. to ponder, "What the hell kind of art is that?" ENN spoke to J. in the aftermath, and he said "We all went back to our desks really inspired," further proof that alls well that ends well.

Latest Headlines

Social event a la francaise results in unprecedented number of kisses. Following the three kiss protocol, "Made me dizzy" E. told ENN.

Vive le France!

E. makes a 1-2 stop at the baker then the cheese maker (cannot locate candle stick maker)

Easter Comes Early; Car Resurrected

2008-02-27T21:19:00.003+01:00

After "lugging" a new battery between them in a woven plastic bag made in Matatlán, Oaxaca (Mexico) by a woman known only as Señora, E. and J. still had use of their arms, along with the solution to their woes. Hours later, dismayed by the surprising failure of their Ikea tool set, D. came to the rescue with a box full of wrenches and made what mechanics refer to as "The Switcheroo." After the last screw was in place, E. and J.'s eyes lit up when they heard that familiar rumble when the key turned in the ignition, letting them know that all was right with the world, and that miracles do happen. Next up: Jesus.

Latest Headlines

Midweek social engagement leaves E. and J. with funny feeling that they might have friends after all
Putting fear and dreams of perfection aside, E. is all flip turns all the time in the pool, successfully remembering the schnoz breathes air and not water
Virtual social network leads to real life meeting
E. and J. run into French class Simon again, blowing his 'cover' as a spy
Previous car owners don't answer phone, confirming wanker status

Questionable Swiss Practices

Necessary to coerce Swiss into not calling police during parties with notes, cookies, and possible lies about helping to save the childrens. Yes, the 's' stays.
Quiet after 10 pm means the bladder stays full and the toilet seat stays put

Vive la Suisse!

Smoking banned in Geneva, effective in two weeks!

Vive le France!

French people speak French to E. in street and E. understands, rendered speechless
Bread from local bakery actually tastes like something, putting all previous bread consumption into question

Car Battery Indicted

2008-02-26T22:34:00.004+01:00

A jury of two indicted the battery for last night's debacle after the prosecuting attorney introduced evidence that the car started when jumped. Both jury members found probable cause when the car burst to life using "less shit" jumper cables from Feu Vert, as opposed to the "complete shit" jumper cables from Hyper Champion. The criminal trial is scheduled to begin tomorrow.

Latest Headlines

Rain falls on immigrants heads, wets hair, generates mild case of misery
J. suddenly notes large population of Kosovar (i.e. peeps from Kosovo) in Geneva
Toilet paper holder attached after two screw-less weeks, sideways and semi-functional
E. goes on 12 hour cleaning binge, takes bath
Alleged 40€ toothbrush schwag found in supermarket for 3.40€, albeit in shittier packaging

Questionable French Practices

Hardcore reverse-action "Maped" stapler purchase, functionality TBA
Grams function as a measure of volume in addition to weight (yes, this is news!)

Vive le France!

French language actually useful to communicate knowledge, first for J.

Survey Results: Frenchness Prevails and Bush is Down for the Count
In a landslide victory, 63% of ENN's readership voted that Sarkozy would prevail in a bar brawl with Bush. Meanwhile, the rest of the votes were spread evenly between "Bush, due to earlier days, i.e. snorting coke," "Nobody," and "Everybody," and odd mix of Bush lovers, peaceniks, and anarchists. ENN tried to reach Sarkozy for comment and although the president didn't return the imaginary calls, ENN decided he would have applauded the decision in his favor.

Car Battery Feared Dead

2008-02-25T22:22:00.004+01:00

In a shocking turn of events, E. and J.'s car blatantly refused to turn on this evening despite repeated turns of the key. After rushing down on their way to French class, the pair came face to face with the realization that they weren't too good for the bus after all. According to the authorities, the battery cable is the prime suspect, though since the investigation is ongoing, ENN could not get further details.

Latest Headlines

Everything in town closed. Occasion: Monday.
Perfect amount of graded gruyere and crepes makes for another delish dish en France
French teacher warns us of his chien lunatic (chien = dog, the rest you can figure out)
Snapshots of heaven inspire hatred abroad

Questionable Swiss Practices

Unconfirmed use of tricycles for mail delivery system

Vive le France!

Ferney's staple pick up line, "Bonjour, Mademoiselle," plus creepy smile greatly preferred to the alternative

Ascension to Heaven Shortlived

2008-02-24T21:52:00.000+01:00

After spending years on planet earth, curious to see how humans live, E. and J. returned their home yesterday afternoon, known to many as "heaven." Luckily, they brought a digital camera with them and for reasons unknown to ENN, returned to Earth by sundown. Then, in a surprising turn of events, moments before deadline, ENN received an anonymous tip that their photos might in fact have been taken at Aiguille du Midi, the final summit for of the world's highest cable car (3842 m/12,605 ft), above the ski resort town of Chamonix, putting the existence of the mythical afterlife, and E. and J.'s angel status, into question.

Latest Headlines

J. gets hair cut, shaving minutes off walking time, and boosting heart rate
Major scandal breaks as E. reveals she does not make up entirety of ENN staff. After barging into her home late this evening, E. admitted that all photos and occasional text is either written or inspired by her husband, J. When ENN demanded to know why E. had hidden this from her readers for so long, E. responded, "I was just lazy." Likely story.
Threat of global warming, i.e. sunlight, causes breakfast consumer to hide behind sunglasses in own home!

Questionable French Practices

Use of motorway entails not only 10€ ($15) in tolls but also 30€ ($44) annual fee

Vive le France!

J. offerred "bon bon" by hard core skater-looking hairstylist, accepts
Breaking "rude" stereotype, French toll booth workers say "have a great day!"

Tax Burden Offset by Schwag

2008-02-21T20:30:00.003+01:00

Though E. and J. were disappointed to learn that nearly 30% of J.'s salary would be stolen by the French government, there mood was lightened by today's arrival of a schwag shipment from Dubai. Highlights included: 40 euro Italian designer toothbrushes, bamboo deodorant, hair mask, stuffed animal cow keychain and a metric ton of toothpaste. "The Frenchies ain't gettin' none o' this schwag," J. told ENN.

Latest Headlines

Stir fry not filling despite quantity
Chaos disrupts lap swim due to lack of lane lines
Mysterious power outage brings E. to doomsday scenario in matter of minutes
Schwag scored, as reported above

Vive le France!

Mekong Market adds missing flava-flave to Ferney-Voltaire
French toast in France

Jerry Rigged Headlight "Not Good Enough"

2008-02-20T21:07:00.000+01:00

The former owner of E. and J.'s car, who will remain nameless due to ENN investigative team's surprisingly crap work ethic, spent an hour screwing the formerly wobbly headlight into place last night after work, but it just wasn't good enough to pass the mechanical inspection. After a series of misunderstandings, E. and J. drove the nameless man to his friend's garage, and despite their lengthy secret handshake, apparently code for "I like you but I wont say it out loud," the friend said, "No way Jose!" in French, or something to that effect. Nameless man promised to spend the day scouring Swiss junkyards for a '98 Toyota Corolla's right headlight, so if you see one, please shout in his direction.

Latest News

Car registration employee shocked that married woman does not have same last name as husband, questions marriage's validity
Due to lack of possessive pronoun use, J. calls E., "The Wife," instead of "My Wife," brawl ensues
Awkward silence in car once Nameless Man stops talking and E. and J. face reality that they cannot speak

Questionable French Practices

Marriage certificate necessary for car registration
Lack of singing chickens on Rue de Chantepoulet

Vive le France!

E. and J. dine on delicious beet, potato, egg, cheese and lettuce salad, all from local market.

Lack of Funny News/Meaningful Events Leaves E. and J. Distraught, Readers Disappointed

2008-02-19T20:33:00.003+01:00

After hours of staring at their massive computer screen, E. and J. resigned to the fact that nothing meaningful or incredibly amusing happened today. J. told ENN, in a faux Southern drawl, "It wus jus a regala old day, in de France." Meanwhile, E. stared blankly at the floor and mumbled, "Well, there's always tomorrow . . ." In attempt to reassure readers, ENN experts believe this to only be a temporary slowdown in the news market.

Lastest News

E. and J. swim back in forth with strangers in large rectangle, and despite going nowhere, feel a sense of accomplishment
Soothing Kiwi voice lures E. and J. to Grand Sacconex to retrieve an impossibly tall and wobbly bookshelf
Cheap Ikea curtains look cheap

Questionable Hippie Store Practices

Cheeky chickpea roll masquerades as polenta, fools immigrants

Vive le France!

In shocking turnaround, cheeky chickpea roll, "Not too shabby," according to J.

Nonexistant Laywer Threat Successful

2008-02-18T22:35:00.007+01:00

It all came down to a headlight that wouldn't stay put. Because of it, the legal transfer of an automobile hung in the balance, along with the fate of four immigrants. After learning that the Toyota Corolla A. sold E. and J. hadn't passed the mechanical inspection, thereby throwing the sale's legality into question, A. complained that "there was no way" she'd put another euro into that car. That's when J. pulled out the only tool he had left: the old American standby of threatening to contact one's nonexistent lawyer. Unfortunately, A. knew that line and warned that she would do the same. While E. and J. brooded, in imaginary lawyer land, a battle raged on. Late in the day, an unexpected call confirmed the superiority of E. and J.'s nonexistent legal counsel when A.'s husband promised to fix the wiggle.

Latest Headlines

French class confirms E. and J.'s ignorance of all major French holidays
Parking space found in Geneva
GPS keeps couple from making increasingly idiotic driving decisions
Night tables replace cardboard boxes, helping E. and J. to keep up with DuPonts

Questionable Swiss Practices

Rare empty parking spots worth more than the two francs they cost
Parking requires license plates numbers

Vive le France!

Mechanical inspection by neutral third party required for legal car sales
Cheese has texture, taste (and smell!)

Survey Results: Down with Mandatory Speedos aux Etas Unis!
In its first survey to date, 56% of ENN's readership, which totals a whopping 16, prefer freedom to the constricting confines of skintight Lycra, with just 18% in opposition. Even more notable are the 24% who either responded positively to "Psst . . . the gov'ment is watching," or "I don't give my infumashuns," clearly labeling themselves as paranoid conspiracy theorists.

E. and J. Now "Too Good" For Bus, Passengers Complain

2008-02-17T21:00:00.003+01:00

Once frequent riders of the F Bus from Ferney-Voltaire to Geneva's Gare Cornavin, E. and J. have yet to take the bus once since the purchase of their car on Friday. Despite having joined fellow commuters on the small white bus to Ornex on Saturday, "It was just for ten minutes, and only to get that stupid car of theirs, so it doesn't even count" an observer told ENN, who wished to remain anonymous. Later that day, would-be F bus passengers on Avenue du Jura were targets of name-calling and rock-throwing from two people in a small black car, who according to an investigative report by ENN, appear to have been E. and J. "It's like they think they're too good for us now!" one of the victims told ENN, "I mean, how are we supposed to feel?" E. and J. were not available to comment.

Latest Headlines

E. and J. brave crowds of teenagers to visit Ferney's three-screen cinematic megaplex
In shocking turn of events, car does not pass Control Technique due to wiggly headlight
Customs stops E. at border only to warn her to "slow down, speedracer!"

Questionable French Practices

Sidewalk parking despite potential illegality, obstruction of pedestrian thoroughfares

Vive le France!

French baking powder, sold in individual pastel pink packets, supports creation of "best pancakes ever" due to intense fluffiness, beauty
Lack of border control allows E. and J. to narrowly miss stealthy tax collection on Swiss goods

Foreigners caught in illegal car scam

2008-02-15T20:19:00.004+01:00

E. and J. were horrified to find out that they had engaged in an illegal purchase of a used vehicle on Thursday, putting their ownership into question. Earlier today, it became clear that their '98 Toyota Corolla had not undergone a technical inspection in the past six months as the previous owners had stated, and as is necessary under French law. As a result, their hopes and dreams of escaping the iron grip of Ferney's public transportation disappeared as their car spent its first night under their stewardship in a garage awaiting inspection tomorrow.

Latest Headlines

Eyewitness confirmation: Kidnapped realtor alive and well
Whereabouts of mythical cave discovered under apartment building

Questionable French Practices

Broken shutters and moldy shelves apparent non-issue for French realtors
Smoke detectors not required by law

Vive le France!

Blue cheese makes it on to pizza
Hot deer melts ice cube with using bootylicious powers

Automotive Negotiations Successful Despite Language Barrier

2008-02-14T21:52:00.003+01:00

Last night, E. and J. purchased a car from a French couple despite knowing just a few verbs and nouns in their language. Using the verbs "to buy" and "to want," as well as question words such as "what" and "where," accompanied by much finger pointing, E. and J. successfully negotiated the purchase of a 1998 Toyota Corolla. In a weak moment, E. asked if the couple spoke Spanish, and was devastated to learn they did not. "At one point, I realized I couldn't even remember the word for car," E. told ENN. Surprise addition to the purchase: two tires and a watchamachalit in the back seat. (Photo on left shows newer model of E. and J.'s 'new' car.)

Latest News

Unequal present exchange provokes fist fight when man gets wife car, card and wife only makes him dinner
1990 VW Passat makes for shittiest car viewed yet due to phone cord-secured muffler, lack of paint, and unwillingness to accelerate
Up to the minute updates available for E. and J. via Twitter, searchable by gmail address

Questionable French Practices

Despite 'new' car's small size, miniature parking space forces E. and J. to employ acrobatic skills for escape purposes
Hatchbacks rule the road while cars with trunks labeled "abnormal" and "suspicious"

Vive le France (et la Suisse)!

V-Day masterpiece meal (blue cheese and toasted walnut filled endives and homemade minestrone soup) pushed over edge by combination of fresh Swiss chocolates

Elaborate Dinner Plans End in Failure

2008-02-13T20:38:00.003+01:00

Much to their dismay, E. and J. discovered that several key ingredients for tonight's magnificent feast had gone missing despite having just returned from the local supermarket. Prepared to make mujadarrah, a Lebanese lentil and rice dish, an apparent lack of rice, saffron, and vegetable stock laid their plans to waste. Due to early closing times, their fate could not be altered Instead, the immigrant couple begrudgingly resorted to a makeshift meal of alphabet noodles and canned beans. In between sobs, E. told ENN, "I . . . just . . . wanted . . . to . . . make . . . a . . . nice . . . meal." If anyone has seen the missing ingredients, please contact local law enforcement agencies or crimestoppers.

Latest News

Inquiry reveals that door-to-door salesman called E. charming and not a camel, as previously suspected
E. and J. contemplate value of multi-dented '94 VW Golf
E. and J. meet neighbor, talk
Kidnappers promise to provide proof of life for missing realtor this Friday

Questionable French Practices

Smoking surpasses rat dog walking as favorite activity
E. shares J.'s social security number, further confirming pet wife status

Vive le France

Creme fraiche good enough to eat with a spoon
Church marriages not legally binding

Ferney-Voltaire Overrun by Herd of Angsty Teens

2008-02-12T21:03:00.000+01:00

Every day between 11am and 2pm, the small town of Ferney-Voltaire is overtaken by a pack of rebellious teens looking for trouble. Like a swarm of locusts, this pimply plague descends upon the supermarket Champion to devour everything in sight, talk loudly about nothing, and lengthen the lines by at least 500%. This strange natural occurrence is rivaled only by the morning migration of small rat dogs with old ladies in tow. With few other explanations to turn to, some ethologists think that climate change may have affected the behavior of these two distinct species. Scientists are considering capturing and tranquilizing research subjects in order to affix radio collars to track their movements in hopes of learning more.

Latest News

French government changes its mind, accepts foreigner's money
E. and J. survive yet another used furniture pilgrimage to Geneva, "Next year, we're considering seeking consumer goods on our knees instead of taking that damn bus."
Handyman spends half hour fixing 'unbroken' dishwasher due to lack of French

Questionable French Practices

Champagne-filled birthday parties commonplace at the office?
Local chinsy supermarket Champion sells "luxury" ironing board for 45€

Vive le France!

Champagne-filled birthday parties commonplace at the office!
Standard issue one hour lunch break

Missing Realtor May have been Kidnapped

2008-02-11T22:25:00.000+01:00

An email received today confirms that a realtor in Ferney-Voltaire, S., who had been missing for the past two weeks and presumed dead, may have in fact been kidnapped. Though S. responded to all of E. and J.'s queries, her tone was terse and tense, suggesting that the email may have been written under duress. Kidnapping experts at ENN suggest that the captors may have written the email, citing the final line which states, "P. will now traited your case," since it is otherwise incomprehensible. An undisclosed sum was withdrawn from E. and J.'s bank this morning, possibly a ransom. So far, no group has claimed responsibility for the kidnapping or made any further demands. ENN asked J. to comment on S's disappearance, "I don't know nothin' about no kidnapping, I just want the key to my damn cave!"

Latest News

E. thwarted by French government in attempt to pay French government
Following tonight's French class, E. and J. now able to converse with patient baby
Lack of Social Security forms for E. confirms her legal status as "pet wife"
Unidentifiable man leaves first message on answering machine in an apparent wrong number

Questionable French Practices

Government's lack of desire for money, as reported above
Mythical cave beneath apartment building may in reality be a storage unit
Tampons allegedly French for "stamps" (see photo on right)

Vive le France!

Greasy croissant in train station superior to all American baked goods
BYOB supermarkets, i.e. Bring Your Own Bag
The snow-covered Alps make for good eye candy

Immigrants declared "fit to work"

2008-02-10T22:52:00.000+01:00

After chest X-rays and some poking and prodding, the French government deemed E. and J. "fit to work" on Friday in Lyon. This declaration means that they are one step closer to receiving the elusive Carte Sejour. The couple were reported to have been in high spirits on the three hour train ride back to Geneva despite there being no seats.

Latest Headlines

French fromagers almost swindle unsuspecting Americans out of 45 € of cheese, "It had nothing to do with our French!" J. told ENN, further proof that the relations between the two nations are strained
Hyperactive woman in diamond-studded Bulgari sunglasses promises to become E.'s best friend, never calls back; E. is crushed
Kung Fu kick downs one overconfident Frenchman on the F bus; several thousand more to suffer similar fate (photo on right)
In stunning revelation, Mansh-Mansh-Mansh apparently not the name of E. and J.'s French teacher, Benjamin

Questionable Swiss Practices

Nuclear shelter required in all Swiss buildings and homes
All males between ages 18-45 required to have loaded gun in home
Cannabis ice tea drink on sale in vending machines as reported previously
Swiss anti-Speedo law slap in face to neighboring France

Vive la Suisse/Es lebe Schweiz!

Swiss love for Americans prominently displayed on "Cool American" Doritos bag
Swiss chocolate . . . is good
The Swiss know what time it is, and for a few thousand euros, you can too

French Banks Go Down the Toilette

2008-02-03T21:52:00.001+01:00

CIC Lyonnaise, Ferney-Voltaire's central bank, resorted to secrecy late last week when it refused to display customer's recent transactions on its online banking site. When J. found only a large negative number where his account transactions should have been, he told ENN, "I was horrified to find this strange bank lady apparently looking for my money--I bet that rogue trader lost mine too." J. is of course referring to Jeremy Kerviel, the 31-year-old trader who lost $7.1 billion for the Societe General in the worst investment scandal in history.

Latest News

Swiss Canabis Tea now on sale in vending machines
Realtor doesn't return phone calls, emails for two weeks; now feared dead
After three weeks in France, immigrant couple finally gets bed, table (no chairs yet)
In recent vote, Swiss choose to keep the longest working hours in Europe; months prior, the French rioted over proposed pensions

Questionable French Practices

J. kicked out of pool due to French Speedo law, ostensibly for "health reasons." Conflict is averted only when J. 'gives in' to French demands and purchases small piece of cloth from nearby vending machine
J. and E. bemoan prohibition of bricolage, i.e. doing random fix it s--t, on Sundays

Vive la France!

Almond croissant pushes E. into the realms of ecstasy
Euro continues to rise in value
French bed brings couple together due to comfort, small size

Melted Spatula Raises Health Concerns

2008-02-03T19:11:00.000+01:00

E. isn't bitter. No, its more like seething rage, directed at the Champion grocery store, who sold her a faulty spatula which melted on impact with the hot oil that cooked her polenta cakes this morning. After her narrow escape from certain plasticized death, E. opens up to ENN.

Latest News:

E. storms out of first French class threatening, "to never come back!"
Calcium deposit in the tea mug AGAIN! Will it be the death of us?
E. almost falls on her ass for the second time in her grey boots--coincidence? Unlikely.
E. dresses to impress in her sweater dress only to find that it has shrunk, proving once again that disaster can strike anywhere, at anytime, and to anyone.
Starry eyed with fame, E. begins the second draft of her book.

Questionable French Practices:

Electricity bill based on made up number
Number system remains unchanged: seventy, eighty, and ninety must be formed through addition and multiplication because they have no words of their own.
Electricity bill necessary to purchase a car

Vive le France!:

Oh, zie fromage!! E. has consumed more cheese in two weeks than in previous 27 years.
Oh, zie baguette! "Damn, this shit is good," E. is heard saying while chomping away.