First French Speed Trap

On his way home from work, J walked into ENN's first sighting of a French speed trap, using only the most high tech methods from the '80s. An efficient team of three in their Police Municipale blue track suits, one looked through what J calls a "binocular thing," apparently their radar technology. Another, armed with a quiet metal whistel, and the third, armed with . . . his arms. J had the unique opportunity to watch it in action:

• Binocular man: "Le rouge, soixante six" (The red, sixty six)
• Whistle man: "Whistle!" (Quiet tweet tweet as red car approaches roundabout)
• Arm guy: "Eye contact!" (Circular motion with finger to signal going around round about, then a come hither and pullover point)

J left before the ticket writing technology was in full force, but tells ENN he "can only imagine it was awesome." What we know is awesome is their website:

• Turn on your speakers
• Turn your attention to the japanimation police rocking out at the top
  

Other Stories: The Great Drivers License Exchange Oddesy, Phase 2 or 3 (?)

After excitedly collecting, photocopying, collating, and paper clip-ing a pile of paper, complete with angry photos, E and J were blocked in their attempt to give them to the young woman sitting at the Marie "welcome" desk. Instead of a handy hand-off a kilometer from their apartment, E and J must send their pile o' documents to some place that sounds like Buuuurg. E tried calling said office this afternoon but was again rejected with the obvious response:

"We only answer those kinds of questions in the morning."

Overheard on the F Bus

An older Latino couple sat behind me on the F bus and I had the pleasure of overhearing them. After ten minutes of responding to everything she heard with a nasal, "Que bueno!" the woman focused on just how clean Geneva is, most likely in comparison to her hometown, Miami:

"Look! Its so clean" says the woman
"Very clean" says the man
"Everything is clean"
"Everything is clean"
"There isn't even a single piece of paper on the ground"
"No paper"
"It's clean"
"Yes, yes, yes, it's very very clean."
"Not a single piece of paper"
"It sure is clean"
"All they do here is clean"
"So clean"
"Que bueno!"

ENN Exclusive Tell All Interview with Reclusive E

Beating People and Hello! to the punch, ENN has the exclusive rights to an interview with its creator, producer, and only staff member, E, whose reclusive ways have everyone wondering. Well, wonder no more because ENN has the story:

ENN: E, tell our readers a little bit about why you've been sabotaging this very important news source.

E: We agreed you wouldn't ask that question.

ENN: You know those agreements are just little flimsy pieces of paper.

E: Well, seeing that I'm in France, I intend to follow Sarkozy's footsteps and walk out of this one.

ENN: Non, non, non, don't be crazy. And anyway, you're far less important. So, what's the story behind the story, E?

E: Okay, I'll tell you. The truth is that ENN is just a cover for my Colombian drug smuggling rings, of which I can divulge very little as long as this war on drugs rages on--

ENN: --E, let me stop you there. We checked out that story and . . . its bullshit. Just like all the other stories you were telling us for months. Traveling the world, flying into outer space, deep sea diving under Antarctica. The truth is, you were here all this time, sitting at the computer but doing other things. Honestly, E, how could you?

E: Well, you want it, I'll give it to you. The less I did ENN, the worse I felt about it, and the worse I felt about it, the less I wanted to do it. All I could think of were those great moments we had missed and I couldn't focus on the now. There was no zen about it. We missed out on Dr. Chicken, the blackhole creator being turned on under our feet, windows getting smashed in and French police reports being made in the Gendarmerie's apartment building, experimenting with all sorts of unidentifiable French vegetables and so on. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry to the readers who might have been grieving this for months now. I've let you down.

ENN: So, what do we have to look forward to?

E: More ENN, after I get out of treatment of course.

ENN: You mean being in Stockholm and London for the next two weeks.

E: Yeah, you could put it that way.

Well, you heard it here first, folks. In two weeks, it's go time. Until then!

Tektonik Special Edition

Eight years ago, on the dance floor of Metropolis, a hit night club in Paris, several dancers wowed the crowd with their gumby-like moves in a choreographed dance called the Tektonik, which has been spreading across Europe ever since. Consider it the hip hop/techno version of the Macarena, but make it stranger and cooler and to more diverse music. In fact, throw away the Macarena altogether, as you should have done the moment you discovered it instead of dancing it on the tables of her high school classroom like E fatefully did one poorly chose afternoon.

**Must see utube video of dude dancing in basement**

Tektonik: Dress for Success

• Sagging skinny jeans, apparently not a contradiction in terms
  
• High top pumps pumped to the beat as seen here
• Eighties fau-hawk with plenty of gel to keep it in place
  

ENN Follows Bakery's Lead, Goes on Holiday

Like most restaurants and bakeries in the country of France, ENN has decided to make this a non-working holiday, except for the odd day when languor is overcome with a burst of energy. The main street of Ferney is all but closed down, E and J's favorite crêperie in Paris took the weekend off, and the bakery next door to their hotel said Au revoir. If France is serious about one thing, its vacation, and apparently that's rubbing off on its Number One News Blog (N.O.N.B), ENN.

The Paris Edition

• Fast train not fast enough, probably not even topping 200 mph
• Empty metropolis brings to mind scenes from Open Your Eyes/Abre Los Ojos and 28 Days Later (before the zombies attack)
• Sewer tour reveals not a one Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (nor Hero Turtles as they're known in the UK)
• Louvre Egypt section more intriguing, impressive than manic crowd surrounding our famous friend, Mona Lisa, or "My Lady Lisa," whose real title is actually La Gioconda. [Side note: ENN continues to be baffled by each language's insistence on changing the names of just about everything.]
• "Genevan" French understood by Paris natives
• Method for getting others to move: nudge or punch in the upper back (even old ladies know this!)

Buff This History (source: Paris Walks)

• Ben Franklin, first ambassador to France, was recognizable from miles away due to coon hat
  
• Jefferson, second ambassador, was a manic speed walker, who insisted on strolling not in but alongside his carriage, even after a wild night on the town
  

CERN Cools Up LHC: Blackhole Ahead?

Last Friday, CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, successfully turned on the Large Hadron Collider, the largest machine on Earth, which is slightly more complicated than flipping a switch. For months beforehand, all 27 km of the LHC had to be cooled within degrees of absolute zero; if that number in Celsius weren't ridiculous enough (-271 C), it's -455 in Fahrenheit, for those of us still using the Old Ass English System, i.e. the US, Liberia, and Burma. Seeing that the particle accelerator in question runs underneath E and J's quaint French village, it could theoretically develop a black hole and gobble them up, along their beloved blog.

Latest Headlines

• City of lovers to be site of E and J's second anniversary showdown cette weekend
• E Health Update: Inexplicably prescribed blood test yields inexplicable results
  
• E saves the day at the Piscine Municipale and gets staff to add a lane, albeit with a scowl
• Addiction to The Wire mirrors addiction to crack, upon which the series is based
• Local tour of Catholic church reveals purpose in building it: to piss off Voltaire
  

Fireworks Out the Wazoo

And the Wazoo is large. That means Geneve filled the sky, every square inch of it, even the one in your backyards except you must have slept through it, like you do, for over and hour. Set to Chinese techno, the Blue Danube Waltz, and Zorba the Greek from the Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels soundtrack, accompanied by oohs, awwes, and a few yelps, the endless finale was inexplicably sponsored by Moscow and Canada. When the end finally did come, a sense of relief descended on crowd, most notably the water fowl.

Latest Headlines

• David Lynch comes to Ferney: Suspiciously suited man, complete with wrinkled face, blank stare and bright red tie, sets up shop between rusted dishwasher, general yard trash and silent street people.
• Large uddered cow, already slowest in the herd, setback further with gimpy (UK: gammy) back leg
• J's Economist addiction rises to new highs; finishes latest issue in three days, his PB
  
• E gets blood drawn in French after sitting on bright pink plastic amorphous "couch"
• After meeting him three months ago, Mr. X becomes Chen-Hao when E and J finally learn how to pronounce his name, thereby diminishing all likelihood of his superhero future
• E and J are leaving it there